The Work

As I take a look at everyone's children in their perfectly posed first and last day of school pictures, that show only their physical growth, I know that each child has grown in so many ways that can't be seen with the eyes. Each child has learned new things in their own way and hopefully grown in spirit, becoming one year closer to the person God sees them becoming as an adult. My own child's schedule works differently than most, and he will attend summer school. His growth appears way differently than most children too. Lately I have had to remind myself to look for it, and not let it be lost in what has not yet come to be. As I try to snap pictures of my own moving 12 year old, who does not pose for photos, as he gets off the bus on the last day before his week long break, I think it's time to share the part of his story that came to light for me recently. It's a piece that nobody knows about and some of it I will not be proud to tell, but in the end, it's a signal of hope for the future. And if I can inspire another parent like me to know that it is never too late and we should never give up no matter how many times we have to start over, then the story needs shared. I say this knowing that not many will click on this little blog and read it. But I have been prompted by the Holy Spirit to share my thoughts when I can, and the ones that He gives to me, because there has to be one other person who needs them. It makes it worth the effort.
(Note: even if you don't believe in God, if you are a special needs parent I hope you keep reading what I learned. I just can't leave God out of our story because He has been the biggest part of it.)
Speaking of the Holy Spirit, I remember hearing from Him clearly when Lucas was a baby.

It was months after my joy had been so complete in finally becoming a mom. It was what I had wanted to be most. And it took a while. I had a heartbreaking loss of a pregnancy first. So when my baby boy was born healthy, I experienced the happiest day of my life. Albeit the most painful. Until the day when I realized my baby was not a typically developing baby. When there was no denying that he wasn't going to be doing things in life the way I envisioned when I first held him or even felt him moving in me and didn't know if he was a boy or girl. You know, I just thought he would be like most kids. And it hurt to see that he wasn't. So as we started the long diagnostic process we took him forward in the little church we attended then during a healing service, where people were invited to come forward, have the pastor and others in the church lay their hands on you and pray for healing, as the Bible tells us to do. I wanted a miracle for my son. I wanted the kind of miracle where Jesus spoke and things instantly happened. He spoke and gave sight and made lame people walk and freed them from demon possession and even raised them from the dead. Right away. And I know that those miracles still happen today when we pray in His name. But God spoke to my heart that day, even as we were in the middle of our prayer for Lucas, and He told me that was not the type of miracle I was going to get. Although I have had my days when I still struggle to see it, the miracle God promised we WOULD receive was better. He said to me that day in front of the alter that Lucas would do well in his life and succeed, but it wasn't going to happen instantly like I asked. God said I would have to put in the work, because it was in the work that God would be glorified. I felt peace about it in that moment and I accepted God's answer. And from that day forward Lucas got everything he ever needed to help him do his best. We have certainly seen small miracles happen every day.

But here comes the part I hate to admit. The last two years have been different. And I have come to realize that my attitude had changed and I had stopped believing for the best. It started as my son approached his tenth birthday. I became depressed as we entered the double digits years, because I didn't think that after 10 years of doing the work that my child would still have so much more work to get through in order to become even semi independent. I didn't think there would still be so many dirty pull ups at this age, or messes that you would expect out of a 2 year old, but not a 10 year old. I didn't think he would still have so little to say. I didn't think he would still be lashing out physically after so many years of therapy. And I went to the dark place of wondering what good it all had done if this is still where we were. Also, my mother was getting more unwell by the day. Her body and brain failed her and I had to help out a lot and spend days with her so my dad could have respite. We did the best we could for her but it was horribly sad to watch what took place with her. So I was just trying to survive the days at the time. Also, I had experienced extreme emotions over not having a second child in our family. We never wanted Lucas to be alone. We always thought he would get a sibling through adoption, and then God revealed a different plan, one that had involved having another baby of our own, despite the fear of Fragile X, the disorder Lucas had that had affected him so profoundly and caused him to have autism, among several other issues. Well in following that call for a second baby when my son was already 10 years old, I had another miscarriage, this one worse than the first, because I had been pregnant for a whole trimester and the event landed me in the hospital over night. After the procedure to stop the extreme bleeding, I was released late the next day while my son was still in school. I wanted nothing more than to hide from the world. Consumed by the pain of what happened, I returned home to my dad asking me immediately to sit with my mom the next morning. The mom who I would have loved to cry with but who had no idea about what was happening. I had to keep pressing. I had no choice. So I left my son's progress for the moment in the hands of his therapists and teachers. Because being his therapist while caring for an ill parent and trying to process my hurt was more than I could do. Two weeks after my Lucas's 10th birthday, my mom, his Grammy, passed away. And as with any major change, he had a hard time with that. But his very limited verbalization left us unable to tell how much he understood or exactly what he felt. This is everything that happened in October of 2016. Two days after Christmas, I found out I was pregnant again and we announced it months later when everything with this pregnancy was deemed normal by my medical team.

As we shared it at the time, our superhero was finally getting his sidekick. We were over the moon and of course delighted when little brother Liam was born, during a much less traumatic birth, thanks to the epidural I had this time. 

As I write this today, Liam is 21 months old. He adores his older brother just as we hoped. We know he is going to be his friend for life. What a blessing he has been to our family! But also, what a life changer. Wow, I didn't know just how difficult it was going to be for me to care for both these people every day. We went from nursing around the clock to complete mobility and shenanigans so quickly. Both things kept me very busy with the new addition to our family. And as I mentioned, when life is changing, Lucas's behavior changes too. And Lucas continued to need all that he needs. Not to mention that he is in that preteen and prepubescent stage. When you see the major life events that have occurred over the last two years in writing, it seems no wonder why we would be in a place that we feel like he has been stuck concerning his improved development. But that hasn't made it any less emotional. God has still revealed to me that in my moments of crying out to Him through hot tears of anger, saying things about how He promised that Lucas would be okay and what we see now is NOT okay, I had simply gotten my vision and perspective distorted. 

In these years that seemed stagnant for positive change in his abilities, God showed me that I was speaking way too much negativity over our situations. I spoke badly about what was going on and to and about my son. I yelled at him for bad behavior instead of remembering that he doesn't have it in him to do things just for the purpose of being mean or spiteful. He is only ever trying to defend himself against what bothers him or what he doesn't want to be forced to do. And if you don't think the way we speak about our lives matters, check out my upcoming post, one about the tale of two apples. You will get the visual on how much words make an impact. But there was a little more revelation that came to me recently, about why I had the "I give up" attitude just because my son has so much more to learn, and because we lost his home therapy, and because his medical and teaching staff seemed to be all out of new ideas on how to move him forward. 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

When I read this verse I was hit with the reality that my hope for Lucas had been deferred time and time again. And it only seemed to get worse when we lost so much of our help and those who were still on board could not seem to help us. God showed me more. When I had gotten sick over the last year, another major life event, and I felt helpless because nobody was giving me any good advice, God revealed to me that I only needed him and the brain he gave me to do the research I needed for myself. I was my own help. And in this season, I could be my son's help too. As hard as it feels, if I abide in Jesus, I have all I need to find out what will help Lucas and carry it out. He showed me that in our state of survival mode through family illness and sleepless weeks with a new born and treading water with my kids to keep from drowning, I had abandoned the actual work for Lucas before the work was finished. Remember that is the part God said I must do in order for the promise of my son's full potential to be brought to completion. God is glorified in the work that He does in us and through us and we can't grow tired of doing good, as scripture says. Our reward is yet to be reaped. Hope may have been deferred but in Christ there is always still hope. Our tree of life is coming. The past and the present do not determine my son's future. I have seemed to stumble upon new information about how we can get him some more momentum accidentally, but I know there are no coincidences in the order of things. I have a feeling that some day, on his actual last day of school, when he will have grown into a man, I will have a photo of a guy who has achieved more than we even dreamed possible. God is cool like that. I am looking forward to our longing fulfilled. But first, the work. 

From Darkness to Light

This is the story of a girl I know well. She was born a people person who would prefer to be in the company of others most of the time. As a toddler she pitter pattered about on her chunky little legs, constantly chasing after her big brother and seeking his attention.

 As a preschooler, she often felt lonely playing by herself, even if she didn’t know the meaning of that word or how to describe the feeling. She would always ask if her friends could come over and play, and felt dejected any time the answer was no. Likewise if mom or dad or big brother were busy and wouldn’t want to read, or toss a ball or play with dolls at the moment. She was pretty excited to go to kindergarten and make new friends. She went in fully equipped with the simple script her parents had given her when she nervously asked how she would make friends with anyone new, since the friends she already had were not going to be in her class. All she had to do was say “Hi, I’m Jenny. What’s your name?” Easy enough when your 5, right?

And Jenny DID make some friends, but that year was also the first time she had encountered serious unkindness directed towards her as well. Words of other kids that were meant to hurt and cut down and reject. That pattern continued in elementary school, making it hard for a born people person, because she felt like she didn’t fit in with her peers. She was unaccepted. When middle school came, she wished for a fresh start, because it would be a new building and lots of new people she had not met before. But some of the names that had been assigned to her in grade school followed to the next place, and she was given some new labels as well. None of them were true, but in the middle school world, what does that matter? One thing was certain, the feeling of isolation had taken a toll. The girl felt like nobody accepted her, nobody loved her, nobody cared if she lived or died. So maybe, she would just die. Life felt too hard and she didn’t have anything to offer anyone anyway, she had come to believe.  She wasn’t wanted. Except she was very much loved and cherished by her mother, and her parents found a counselor who could get the reality of God’s love for her to reach the depths of her heart. So it was that her fresh start came not by the acceptance of other people, but from Jesus. She learned to understand that she was created by God, who makes no mistakes, on purpose and for a purpose. 

It was from that day forward she grew in her relationship with Christ and cared more about what he thought than what others thought. A month later, she was baptized just before 14 years of age and thought she had buried all her past hurt from other people under the water and had come out on the surface completely new. She did grow in more confidence in who she was and became unafraid to stand up for herself in high school and college. After she had blossomed into a young woman and grew her hair out and learned how to fix her kinky curls, nobody ever called her ugly anymore, and in fact, she began hearing that she was beautiful. Although she never wanted to please people more than God, it helps to grow confidence when you hear nice words over negative. ( That is something to keep in mind when you talk to the people in your life.) So she firmly believed the past was in the past. But she didn’t know that she still had a little backpack of emotional baggage that she would carry with her into adulthood and into marriage, and parenting and everything else. As an adult, who had been a mom for 12 years and married for nearly 17, she began to learn some things about herself through others. Personal counselors and friends and personal development books helped her understand that there was still anger and bitterness in her heart that came out any time she felt isolated, unheard or uncared for. A favorite author by the name of Lysa Terkeurst had written these words that brought further revelation. “If the enemy can isolate you, he can influence you.” Our enemy, the devil, goes around looking for ways to attack and deceive us. He wants us to believe the worst about God and ourselves and others. He wants us to forget that it’s HIM we are fighting against and make us fight against one another instead. And a feeling of isolation is one this girl has known for most of life. When she was that little girl wanting to just have lots of friends but was met with cruelty instead, she felt isolated. When her closest friendship unexpectedly ended, and she could never quite get that kind of relationship again with another friend, she felt isolated. When other friends that she had for years suddenly seemed too busy for her, or disinterested in getting together with her, she felt isolated. When her son was born she had intended to keep working part time and have “the best of both worlds.” But her son had developmental delays that could be detected early on and she had to quit working and stay home full time in order to help him, and she felt isolated. She wanted to be home with him but she also wanted to be in an office, talking to other adults some days, and using her gift for the written word. The more her son’s special needs emerged and she tried to have him at all the gatherings with family and friends but ended up off in the distance with her child who was not interested in playing where the other kids were, she felt isolated. And when her friends couldn’t understand the challenges she experienced with that child, or when others started to not include HIM because of his differences, she felt more isolated than ever before. Fast forward a few more years to becoming a mother for the second time in a season of life where her mother had already passed away, her husband worked late hours, and it became harder than ever to get out of the house, because now there would need to be a sitter who didn’t mind watching a special needs boy and a baby. It was a baby who was very attached to his mother and might not want to go to bed without her at that. Small group Bible studies that once brought connection to others came to an end. Date nights were no longer a possibility and getting out for friends’ special occasions on weekends was nearly impossible. More isolation. More loneliness. There was even a long stretch where when she really tried to make the personal connections she longed for that something would block every attempt to follow through. Her husband would agree to watch the kids so she could have a mom’s night out and then she got sick. Just repeat that scenario with the illness moving around the house from person to person, for about 9 months time. Very little church, socialization or otherwise could take place. And one day, during a morning workout that was accompanied by a sermon, this girl who tried her best to take care of herself and fill in the gaps with Jesus heard just a few words that culminated into the revelation that led to this story being typed out and shared. Pastor Steven Furtick spoke about how the devil only comes up against people who are a threat to him, in a message called “You must be Important.” The basic principle of the message was that you can know how important you are to God by the size of your storms in life, because those are often the attacks of the enemy coming against you to keep you from your purpose. And then he said this: “What does the enemy attack? What you value most.” In case the name and the details of my life didn’t give the story away, I have been writing my story. And on this morning, when these words were spoken, I set down the weights and the end of my set and felt the weight of the whole world fall off my shoulders at the same time, even as I was hit hard by this realization. What I value most are relationships, and the devil has been attacking me in that area for all of my life, and I had no idea. I never realized that from the time I was that tiny toddler, he was using my longing for relationship with others against me.  But now I know. And now I see how he used my value on relationships and quality time with people to hurt me and cause me to save up all sorts of untrue limiting beliefs about myself. I see how he used the feeling of isolation to drive a wedge between my husband and me, as I tally up the record of wrongs or perceived unfairness in his ability to be out among the living while I am limited to a screen with profiles or pictures. I have left behind friendships with too little fight because I carried that little backpack of baggage from childhood, and withdrew from any relationship where I felt left out or tuned out or whatever other slight may occur, without ever having the nerve to just simply tell the person what I was thinking and let them clarify their intentions. And don’t get me started on how much I hate it when someone interrupts or talks over me. Isn’t it ironic that I married the most talkative human being alive, and he as ADD so he wants to get his words out the second they come to mind? Life is funny. But as you can imagine, it is freeing to have figured out the truth. It was freeing to verbally declare to the enemy that he can’t have my family, my marriage, or me. I will address this and know that no power in hell can keep me from making it to the purposes God has for me. I will fight for my relationships from now on. I will make time for the ones that matter, no matter what obstacles the enemy tries to place in my way. Greater is He who is in me, and I am so very grateful this day for His revelation about what has been going on and why I don’t have to let it hurt me or my loved ones any longer. I have a clear view of whom I am fighting and it is not any other person in my life. Praise God, the one who has been turning my values against me is under my feet because of Christ’s glorious defeat of him. What do you value most? I wonder if anyone reading this can also see where the enemy uses that for harm. What he intends for harm,  God will use to make something good! 

The Bread of Life, Broken for Me

I have made it no secret that I have had a life long struggle with junk food addiction. In any stage of life, when things got stressful, I could turn down my emotions with a pint of ice cream, a bag of chips or whatever else you can think of, because this girl has had a love for all flavors salty, sweet or deep fried. Somewhere in my first year of health and fitness coaching, I did a Daniel Fast for myself and to bring me closer to the Lord during that time and see what He would reveal to me. One revelation I did get during a sunny day at the ball park where my son and his family were one selected to attend a Pittsburgh Pirate's game along with his autism school. Some wonderful sponsors had gifted us their box seats for the day and paid for catering and a private visit with the Pirate Parrot. We and our great kids truly received the VIP treatment that day. And there was SO much food. But, this occurred during my fasting period when only a few of the things available were allowed on my menu. And it was then God spoke to me through His word on something I had only looked at in a different light previous to that day.


"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothes?" Matthew 6:25

In this verse, Jesus had been explaining to his disciples why we need not worry about our daily needs being met, and how worry achieves nothing for us. But when I heard these words in my mind this day, I thought of Jesus simply asking if life was not about more than food, and on this day I realized that it truly was so much more. There were so many more important things to enjoy that day than the food I refrained from eating. It was indeed a beautiful day, and even though my son did not understand the game or want to watch much of it, he enjoyed the attention he got from his teachers, and walking around the ball park to see all the sights, and especially seeing the Pirate Parrot. My husband had gotten the opportunity to enjoy baseball, something that was special to him because of the many games he attended with his grandfather, with his own son that day. This was something that would not happen without the special seating because Lucas does not care about sports and loathes to sit still in one place for long. But today it happened and everyone had fun. Who cares about chocolate cake?

I thought my eating struggles were over forever. But then life happened. Isn't that always the way? My mom was getting more sick by the month, and more forgetful, and more confused. And during that time span God had also led me to a promise about a baby that I never thought I would have. I had planned to never give birth to one of my own after my oldest again. Because I was afraid. But God had something else in mind. And when He showed me that, I anxiously awaited a positive pregnancy test month after month and it did not show up. As my beloved mother's health declined, I wanted desperately to tell her of another grandchild on the way, to give her something to look forward to, in the hope that it would help her hold on and get better. The positive result did not come for about 11 months. When it did, I was so overjoyed and so sure this was God's plan come to fruition that we shared the news with the world quickly. I was pregnant for 3 months and thanking God every day that my baby was going to live, but then that was not what happened. I miscarried so violently that I had to spend a little time in the hospital. And the one person whose shoulder I would have cried on most, other than my husband, was not with the mental or emotional capacity she once had to even understand what I had just been through or fully know what had been lost to our family. And that person, my mom, who had always taken care of me my whole life, she needed me to take care of her. So while I did not turn my back on Jesus, and I prayed daily and listened to sermons to build my faith in a time when I had never been so confused or disappointed, I also used anti depressants to keep me going in order to put my emotions aside and be there for my parents. And I used food, as well as alcohol occasionally. But I kept showing up every day until she passed away in late October.

It was 2 days after Christmas that I found out at a doctor visit for something else that I was pregnant again. The first time we had made an attempt since the loss, even though it was scary to do, was successful. I had already stepped down off my medicine because I knew we wanted to try to conceive once more. But food was still there. And God used something else to show me there are two times when I had always been able to give up the things that were bad for me and stay away from emotional eating. One was during those fasting times when it was an act of drawing nearer to God and away from any idols in my life. The other time I could do what I should without losing control was when I HAD to. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and HAD to make sure it stayed under control for my safety and that of my baby. I did great for the duration of my pregnancy. Then my second child was born, and the reality of dealing with a special needs boy in his prepubescent stage and a newborn, largely by myself while my husband worked long hours really set in.

The whole first year I enjoyed every moment of having another baby in my arms, but it was also HARD. And I had self doubt and chronic stress taking over. And then around my baby's 10th month, I was slammed with something I never expected. I got incredibly sick and felt symptoms I never had in my life. Shortly I found out I had a hyperactive thyroid, yet continued to gain weight, and later I received a diagnosis of Grave's Disease, an autoimmune condition. The prognosis you get through mainstream medicine is not good, and gives you very few treatment options, the least invasive of which is to remain on pills for a life time. I knew another time had come that I would have to change things in my diet in order to get well. God does not create disease in my opinion and belief but it exists because we live in this broken world. But God will use anything to work good in us and around us. Romans 8:28, my favorite promise in the Bible says God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. God led me to the right answers on combating this disorder that had risen up in my body. He prepared me for this season of Lent when I would refrain from ALL my emotional buffers and be willing to sit with them and drop them all at His feet instead of numbing them with food or wine. I heard lots of messages leading up to this season about keeping my eyes fixed on Him. Would I be able to see Jesus, the Bread of Life and the Living Water, above all the commotion that continuously seems to take place in my life? Could I allow myself to be filled by Him instead of chocolate, potato chips or pink moscato? I am getting it. Because of this time I have had to get close to God by allowing my feelings to be what they are instead of trying not to feel them. I have learned that I have always been afraid to fully address my feelings because if I didn't numb them down at least sometimes, I would just cry a lot. Who wants to do that?  This life always has so much uncertainty and there is pain in waiting to see what God is doing. I have so many days when nothing sounds better than covering over everything that just happened with a bag of something salty, a hard cider and a binge watch of whatever show I am into at the moment. In giving up all that for Lent, there have been SO many tears and unfortunately, a few angry outbursts with my family. Take an emotional girl away from all her unhealthy coping mechanisms and it might get a little ugly. But God makes everything beautiful in its time. I can see Him more clearly. I have received new revelation from Him about the depths of Jesus' suffering that took place just so he could save us all, make us close to him and know what it is like to be human and hurt. I have been made to look at things I never thought of before in my life when it comes to the amount of physical, emotional and mental anguish the perfect Son of God went through because He did not want Heaven without you and me. In the past, when I have cried out to him, I have thought that Jesus did not live my specific set of circumstances, so I wondered if he really did get it, In my moments of extreme exhaustion and frustration and feeling sad about having to do all I do alone, I have cried and told Jesus that I am so tired of being alone. I miss my mom. I want my husband home during illnesses and minor emergencies instead of having to work to support us every day at crazy times. I have cried a lot and through my tears lamented being all alone. Now, Jesus has allowed me to see that nobody knows isolation more closely than Him. His best friends couldn't stay awake to watch and pray with him on his final evening. They scattered in fear when he was being arrested. The religious leaders accused the Light of the World of being a liar and blasphemer and they abused him and disrespected him in the worst ways, and all the while he had the power to defend himself and leave that place but he did not. And while he allowed all this injustice to take place against him, nobody he had ever helped spoke up in his defense. Nobody was there to intervene when they beat him so badly he probably should have died right there. Everyone continued to make fun of the situation while he hung on the cross as a curse for us, so we would not have to pay the penalty for our own wrong actions. Where was everyone he had healed? Where were the friends who had followed him everywhere? There is no mention of the people he arose from the very dead being there to speak on his behalf. No one held his hand while he was dying. Even his Father had a moment before he died where He could not look at him because all the evil ever done in the world and every sin that would ever be committed in the centuries ahead culminated onto the body of Christ, given as the ultimate sacrifice for all, and God could not bear the sight. In him there is no darkness and they can't coexist. So Jesus does know isolation in a time where one would only hope for some help or some comforting words. Jesus knows what it is to be alone and to face hard things alone, more than we could ever imagine. As a result of Jesus' bold actions, we can know that while we may feel all alone in the world, we are not. Jesus promises to be with us always. (Matthew 28:20)
The bonus of allowing God to work this out in my heart is that I have gotten healthier in every way, but that is a post for another time. The main point I am hoping to share with anyone who needs it is that it's okay to just FEEL anxiety, frustration, fear, sadness and even depression. If you will bring those things to Jesus, instead of covering them up, He can heal. What stays concealed can not be healed. Whatever addiction you have, please ask yourself if you are relying on it because you are afraid to feel how you actually feel. If you stop hiding the emotions, and you address them with the One who knows how you feel and understands you better than you do yourself, all can be healed.

What's In a Name?

Do you know the meaning of your name, or the names of your children? I don't know that we always give the meaning of a name much thought. While I don't always hear from God as clearly as I would like to about every situation in life, He has spoken to me a lot about the baby I am carrying now. As it turns out, in his case, the meaning of his name is everything. If you want to know what his name will be before he arrives, you have to know the story.

When we found out we were having another boy, we began tossing ideas around, and thought we would either go with a name from the Bible or a name that reflected family heritage in some way. Most of the Biblical names I love the best just don't go well with our last name, so that narrowed the list down quickly. Just for the fun of it, we were also thinking of names we liked beginning with "L" because we already have Lucas. One day in March, I opened a book of Irish names that once belonged to my Granny. She came to America from Ireland with her family when she was a little girl. My grandmother was a wonderful storyteller and I loved to hear her tell of her family and traveling here, and I was fascinated with all the things she owned which had anything to do with Ireland. This book was no different, and I had looked through its pages many times as a child. So I have saved that book in my own collection for years. On this day, I found my focus settled on a name that I have heard many times before, and it never jumped out at me as a name I would choose. It was a fine name, but I personally never thought there was anything exceptional about it. But for that moment, it held my gaze. Then the meaning of the name nearly took my breath away. When I tell you the meaning, promise me you won't go Googling that to see what the name might be....just read on.
The meaning of the name that had caught my attention was "strong willed warrior and protector." Why is that important? Only because one of the specific reasons we have so desperately wanted another child is so that Lucas would have someone who would love him for life after we have departed this world. We hoped in our hearts that God would indeed give him a protector. Someone who would be glad to fight for him as needed, the same way we always have tried to do. At this point the name was not set in stone, but after I told my husband what it meant, we were pretty sure that this name was going to be the one. Several weeks later, God gave me confirmation that this was the right name for our child through the first scare we had about this pregnancy. Here is something else that only two very trusted friends know about, because we wanted prayers, but we didn't tell anyone else at the time what was happening because we didn't want anyone to needlessly worry, or make the situation worse by thinking negative thoughts and believing something would go wrong. It is my firm belief that everything about this baby is going to be a miracle and I need people to stand in agreement with me about that. However, this news did bring a brief feeling of fear. My second round of blood work that can be used to rule out some genetic disorders came back with an elevated risk of trisomy 18, a condition in which there would be an extra copy on the 18th chromosome. At the same time, my most recent ultrasound at showed two small cysts on my baby's brain, often a sign of other disorders, but as the doctor told me, they can commonly dissolve on their own and mean nothing.
I will be honest and say that when we realized these two things were occurring together and read the possibilities of what trisomy 18 can mean for a child, I became fearful and cried. I was even angry for a moment, at the mere possibility that my next child could also be disabled and said repeatedly that it wouldn't be fair. And then, I did what I should have done from the beginning. I prayed. I was crying out to God, saying that I couldn't possibly believe He would lead me into this pregnancy for us to have another big problem, when what we had asked Him for was a solution....provision of a friend for Lucas in the future, someone to care about him. This could never happen if our next son was on his developmental level of worse, and after all, it was God who had spoken to my heart that all I needed to do if I wanted another child of my own with no disability was to ask Him. In that moment, praying by myself in my living room, the tears suddenly stopped rolling because I felt an amazing sense of peace come over me. And then I heard God's voice in my heart once again, asking me what my baby's name was, and telling me that I needed to name him according to what I believe he is going to be. I did have faith that my son would become a warrior and protector for his brother. That is what we believe about him and that is the answer to prayer that we are stepping out in faith to know that we KNOW this is what God will provide. And so answering back to God in prayer I said the name. His name is Liam. I had not one more moment of fear after that about any possible unwanted conditions. Later that day, my wonderful doctor called me on the phone and told me not to be worried as we were going back to follow up with genetic counseling and have another ultrasound to get a closer look at the baby. He repeated that those cysts often disappear and the first round or tests I had, which was all clear, was more accurate than the second. He reassured me that we were only going back to genetics as standard protocol. That appointment came only two weeks later, and I was scheduled to see my doctor for another ultrasound about two weeks after that. That regular appointment was the one where they were going to check his brain to see of the cysts were gone or had remained and grown. But that test proved to be unnecessary, because in only two weeks time at the genetics center of the hospital, I watched the monitor as they carefully explored every aspect of my baby's anatomy. And that day God proved to us that everything was going to be all right, because the cysts were already gone, and there was not one other sign of improper development. The doctors there agreed with my doctor's assessment that we had no need for concern, because the elevated risk on the second round of tests I had was negated by the first tests that showed no problems. We were more than grateful that God had quickly come to our aid to calm our minds and remind us that He was at work doing something special. And this was not the last time He would confirm to me the name.

The next time I was in deep prayer for my son was at a worship experience a friend had invited me along to with her. I prayed there during worship fervently that every chromosome in this baby is whole, undamaged, unbroken, and there are no extra or missing pieces anywhere. I prayed that every system is going to function properly, and he will meet all his milestones on time. I prayed over his brain, and his heart, and his whole body. And I heard once more God ask me to say his name, and know that I need to name him according to my belief. I silently said "This is Liam," and at that moment, I felt him moving for the first time in a while that evening. If it wasn't sealed already, that did it. Whenever this child makes his entrance into the world, Liam Michael will be his name. We want to honor Mike's dad who passed on from this world a few years ago, and would be over to the moon about a new grandson if he were here. We have come to find out that Liam has increased in popularity so much that it has become the number one boy's name used in 2017, but my decision has nothing to do with its popularity, and everything to do with its meaning. What's in a name? This time, it's an element of faith that we have, knowing the child on the way will be what we always wanted for his big brother. One friend for life...a strong willed protector. 

"Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Getting rid of "what if?"

 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Ephesians 6:12 


I have made a lot of decisions based on the words "what if?" In other words, fear. And I didn't even know I was doing it. When my son was born, it was the best time of my life. A mom was all I ever truly cared to be. It's great to work and contribute in other ways, but overall, the only thing I knew I HAD to be was a mother. I finally had my baby. He was my greatest joy on earth. 

By the time he was 9 months old, his developmental delays started showing up, and I began to see that my mental picture of motherhood was in reality turning out to be something very different. Right after his first birthday, the diagnostic process began. And at 19 months old, before our blood work came back to tell us anything further, we got the diagnosis of autism. Right after his second birthday, we found out the next part. He had Fragile X Syndrome, a genetic disorder named because of damage to the X chromosome that causes global developmental delays and sometimes autism, as was the case with Lucas. The worst pain came from finding out that he inherited that disorder from me. Something I had never before even heard of in my life had apparently been passed through the genes of my family for generations without knowledge to any of us. So with a broken heart, I told everyone that I could not have any more children. 

I love Lucas and have often said that I would not have traded the experience of having him just the way he is for anything else, and I mean that. But two kids just like him would be quite a hand full. I couldn't possibly give birth to any more children because WHAT IF the the next child had Fragile X too? 

So clearly, adoption would be our next step. Yes, I always believed adoption was a wonderful thing and my husband agreed. We had heard about many families who adopted though foster care with ease and no cost. So that would be our plan. We thought it best to take it on when Lucas entered kindergarten. Yes that was the plan. Lucas needed a sibling and adoption would provide. 

This story would become way too long if I told you all the ways adoption in different forms did not work out for us and why. I kept praying that God would open some door or show me how we could do this. I prayed for him to lead us to the right child who needed to find their home with us. It just never happened, even though I felt like God was leading me to pursue it in different ways. I kept asking Him WHY and WHEN things would change. In desperation, my mind started going to IVF, in which we could go through the expensive process of genetic selection in order to reduce our risk of Fragile X being passed on. But it felt too much like "playing God" to get into that and the cost was astronomical, just like many forms of adoption. On some random night in November of 2015 I was in my bed reading. I was reading a book about someone experiencing a miracle, and throughout it were scattered Bible verses related to each aspect of their story. I read the following piece of James 4:2

"You do not have because you do not ask God." 

Suddenly, the voice of God flooded my heart and mind and I was left in shock. He told me that we had never once asked Him if we were meant to adopt, we had simply decided that without consulting Him. I could hardly believe that we had made that kind of life decision without asking if it was right. We really had just assumed that it must be what God wanted us to do. Then I heard God say that if we wanted another child of our own with no disability, He could have provided that if we had asked Him. We didn't have it because we didn't ask. 

The next morning, when I told my husband about it, he agreed that shockingly enough, we had never prayed about it and just concluded that not having any more children ourselves was the responsible thing to do. He didn't hesitate to believe that God knew our need for Lucas to have a sibling who could be his friend in life, who wouldn't share the same challenges he had. So from that day forward we started asking God for what we had not before, and we began trying to conceive. For month after month we were disappointed. I especially wanted this new revelation to come to pass quickly because my mom's health was failing and I really wanted her to meet her next grandchild. Finally, after about 10 months of trying, I saw the positive pregnancy test I longed for. For nearly an entire first trimester I endured the regular symptoms of pregnancy but on my ultrasounds, things were not looking good. They could not find a baby growing, and I was diagnosed with blighted ovum. The day before my birthday, a second ultrasound confirmed that despite my many prayers and believing God for a miracle that this was the coming to pass of His promise, no baby would be born. Less than one week later I was in the hospital because the blood flow during the miscarriage was out of control. It was the worst birthday and worst September of my entire life. 

After that, I felt some anger towards God and kept wanting to know WHY he would lead me to this choice if this was what was going to happen. And I never thought when I was lying in that hospital bed or following up with my doctor that I could try this again. I was already old anyway, and what if I had heard God wrong? What if He didn't mean to say what I thought He said? What if He never really intended for me to have another child at all? 

Despite my fears and my emotions, God began the work of repairing my broken heart sooner than I could have imagined. Although I was angry and didn't know how to pray, I watched some revival services that Elevation Church was having online that month. Christine Cain was the first person who spoke healing words from God to my heart. She spoke about some painful things in her past, and declared that there was no denying that they happened. But then she asked the question, "why would you let one event from your past define your future?" And I almost felt like I could hear God asking if I would keep trusting Him to do what He said or if I would be too afraid because of that one thing that caused me so much pain. 

Then I did an online Bible study with Proverbs 31 Ministries around the book Wait and See. The author confirmed to me that just because it sometimes takes what seems like forever to see God's promises to us come to pass, that does not meant that we heard Him incorrectly. Rather she said that doubt was a tool of the devil to get us to stop believing God and following His instructions for us. 

My mother's passing was another thing that opened my eyes to how short life really is, and that it would be foolish of me to allow fear to get in the way of my dreams and God's promises. I began to feel confident that I needed to make the most out of this life and never let fear be the reason I didn't try something. 

In my reading one day, the Lord spoke to my heart again, through a reading in Job. After Job had lost everything, the Lord promised that He would restore it all to Him. There was one verse that I took from it as mine. I felt like God was telling me that He would also restore what I had lost in the hospital that day in September. And then, In December, and final Word sealed my decision that we could not be afraid to try for another baby. 

It was while listening to Elevation's service again. Pastor Steven Furtick delivered a message called "There's More to the Story." In it he detailed the story of the woman whom Elisha promised she would have son after years of being infertile. She did. And years later, the boy died. She believed that God was just going to have to do something about this and she called Elisha to help her. Her son was raised from the dead. The pastor illustrated through this that sometimes bad things have to happen before a true miracle story can be made. He said while life itself is a miracle, it's no big deal for a woman to have a baby. That happens every day. But sometimes a baby has to die before there can be a miracle. It couldn't have been any clearer to me. I listened to that message the first week of December. That was the first month my doctor had said it would be safe for us to try again. And so we did. And so we conceived. The first time we tried after all the past failure...the first time we took a step of faith after losing, it worked. 

The verse I opened with is there because the devil has still tried to talk throughout this pregnancy and he asks me what if the baby doesn't make it? What if he is born with the same disorder because I heard wrong? What if God does not do what I hope he will? Praise God that I can say the voice of truth overpowers "what if?" I know that God can be trusted and whatever He has in mind is going to be good. I know that all these things happened the way they did and on the crazy timing they did for a reason. None of it seemed right to me. I wondered why God couldn't have revealed this truth to me years ago when we kept trying to adopt.  But God is on time and He will always do what He promises. I am so thankful that He works through people the way He does and for all the things that he brought me to for comfort, peace and the courage to go forward. That verse in Job about restoration? Last September I lost and experienced the biggest disappointment of my life.My new baby is due September 3rd. Whenever he decides to make his entrance, I have a feeling this September will feel very different than the last. Isn't that just like God? His goodness is astounding. 

The 3 "Cs" I'm Giving Up This Year

As the new year gets under way, I look at how I ended the last year and realize I didn't do something important I wanted to do. The last few months of my year were some of the hardest I ever lived, and even though I DID rely on God and kept up some of my healthy habits, I didn't follow through with my goal to leave stress eating as a thing of the past. I have overcome it for a time, multiple times, and then life gets harder, and as they say, old habits die hard. I prayed through a lot and worked out 6 days a week, but at the end of an exhausting day, the old comfort of sitting in front of the TV with food played out in my mind, and I rationalized that it would not be so bad to relax that way for just ONE day. Of course, it's never just one day, is it? No, when you have an addiction to something, it comes back to get you the minute you let yourself go back to it. Not to mention, the holidays were here, and even though I do fitness as a business, I went with the wrong mindset of "I will just deal with added pounds later." Well, guess what? It's later. And I am facing with the consequences of my actions.

As I am working to plan out the months ahead and taking a look at all the things I want to do better, I was reminded of the last Danial Fast I did over Lent again. I wrote about it earlier and shared that at the end of that time, because I had placed all the focus on God and not weight loss, I felt a sense of complete peace and joy, even though my mom was sick and we had not yet conceived the child we wanted after months of trying. I had allowed God to become the primary point of focus in my life, as He should be, and the other things, while still hard, didn't matter as much because I remembered that God was ultimately in control of all of it and we would be all right. And the attacks of the enemy began after that, because there is nothing like being at peace with God and finding contentment to put a bullseye on you. Summer was hard because my mom was diagnosed with ALS, on top of the dementia she had already been struggling with daily. We finally knew why her body was failing and she couldn't swallow well, but the diagnosis was hard to take anyway. Then we conceived our baby, and we were so excited, we told everyone, and we thought for sure this was God's blessing in the middle of the storm we were living in. We thought it was the culmination of what He promised us and that it was our glimmer of light in the dark, because our family needed some joy. But in September, that dream came to an end temporarily, as I lost my pregnancy and couldn't understand how I would ever recover. Cue the Netflix, chips and Oreo cookies. 

When my mom passed away in October, with my sadness came a sense of relief for her, that she was finally out of her pain and in the presence of Jesus instead. Yes, I still ate more than I needed to over the holidays, but I was renewed in a way by God's goodness and the drive to make my mom proud, I thought about how there never seems to be enough time after her departure. Life is not that long. And I better not sit here wasting time, letting my emotions lead me around. So now, as I look to revamp, I have been in prayer about what God would have me do to get healthier, overcome my addiction forever, not just a few weeks, and place Him back in the front over my desire for other forms of comfort. I thought of the time doing the Daniel Fast and how that sense of peace to come back is what I truly need. I felt like God was telling me that if I want to master going without something that is not good for me, I need to give it up for a longer period of time than 3 weeks.....like maybe the rest of the year. The Daniel Fast way of eating is healthy, basically vegan, with no junk food allowed. But that is a little extreme for me for an entire year, because it just makes more sense for me to eat some chicken and eggs sometimes. And cheese...that's important!  I could think of giving up ALL junk for the entire year, but I was afraid not allowing for any treat ever would set me up for failure, even though this was a spiritual thing. So I kept searching for what it would be that I could give up for the year. I needed to be able to draw a bright red line that I wouldn't cross when it came to certain "trigger" foods that lead to overeating for me. And God let me to 3 "C" words. Therefore, for the remainder of this year, I will not be eating chips, cookies or candy. Those are the three things that lead me into the danger zone when I eat them. I go far away from moderation and right to overeating almost every time. Chocolate is addicting to me. At the wrong time, I think I could totally eat one of those giant Hershey Kisses, no problem. And chips, well who can just eat one chip? Or two or five or eight for that matter? And then cookies can be problematic too. Notice I didn't say I would NEVER have cake, or pie or ice cream this year, because when it comes to those things, one serving is plenty, and I typically eat them only on special occasions. Not so with those other foods that are often in the house for my son. 

So here you have my promise that I will not partake of these things, except I plan to allow for what I was going to do this past holiday, and have a cookie or two on Christmas Eve. Waiting until then means I may not bake them like I did in 2016. However, we will see. After practicing self control for that many months, it may just be easy by then! Will power is like a muscle, right? 

Send me your encouragement....I might need it. And even though I don't expect anyone else to give up all that for the entire year, I do hope you will join me in a challenge group this year so we can focus on healthy food and exercise together. There is strength in numbers! 

Long December?

I know everyone in my generation can remember the song A Long December by the Counting Crows. My husband keeps singing it because this month has felt long, and we DO have hope that this year will be better than the last. Because in reality, our family has had a long September, October, November and December.

In September, I learned the day before my birthday that my pregnancy was not developing properly, and there was no little baby to be seen on my ultrasound. I prayed to God that He would just have to give me a miracle, because I know He promised me that there would be a new baby, because I had never asked Him for one before and the time had come for me to ask. He told me. I know it makes sense, at least  to Christians, when I say that. I kept asking for about 10 months before I finally tested positive. All the bloodwork was normal but my ultrasounds were not. I still kept demanding my miracle and believing the the Holy Spirit power that God has infused in us all who love Him would come through. I asked to be seen at a different office, on a different machine, but before that appointed day came, I found myself in the hospital, having a miscarriage, bleeding more than I ever knew was possible and having to have a procedure to stop the flow and the pain. I still believe my miracle will come. But it was very much heartbreaking to experience the loss of that dream, and to not have it come to pass in time for my mom to see it. I knew her time was short, and I wanted her to meet her next grandchild. But at the time of my loss, I didn't know just how short her time here with us was going to be. 

The month of October was painful for everyone. Mom had both dementia and ALS, and she couldn't understand anything that was happening to her. She couldn't remember things, or grasp what was taking place. She was getting gradually weaker, experiencing more pain, and more loss of understanding by the day. Then one late October Friday, she went down hill at an unbelievably fast rate. She was still smiling for company that day, but by that night was in a terribly painful state. She couldn't seem to get her breath and was displaying complete agony and there was not a thing anyone could do. We gave her medicine to calm her and something to take away the pain in her stomach but she could not swallow any longer at all. Since she had refused any type of feeding tubes, I knew it wouldn't be long. On Saturday, she could no longer stand up or raise her arms and I didn't think she would live through the night. She did, and for a few hours of that Sunday she was awake and did not seem agitated, although there was no ability to speak. She was aware of the presence of family and friends, people who had come to pray, sit by her, and fill the room with singing and the reading of the Word. Lucas was with her and she reached out to him and he touched her hand, smiled  and bounced on the bed like it was any other day. She feel asleep in the late hours of the evening and only woke up again once, seemingly panicked. We gave her more of the medicine and a sponge of water and I read scriptures to her and turned on some of her favorite songs. I asked her if she knew it was ok for her to go be with Jesus, and she nodded. I told her that she didn't have to worry about us, we would be ok. She fell asleep and never woke up again. He spirit left us around 3:00 Monday afternoon. 

November brought the sad aftermath of losing someone you love. Bad behavior from my autistic son who has no other way of communicating his feelings, sorting through belongings, deciding what to keep and what to give away, and lots and lots of tears from everyone. We are all so thankful that she is with Jesus now, that she has met my children whom I never did, and that she is free from the anguish and misery she felt. But it still leaves a hole in your heart when someone goes away and you know you won't see them again until your time comes, or Jesus comes back....whatever comes first. Despite all the pain I had just experienced, I found that the peace of God, which as scripture says, surpasses all understanding was on me. Instead of continuing to dwell on these past losses, I felt the strength rise up in me to honor my mother's life by living mine the best way I could. I felt driven to follow God's leading in my life and do as much good as possible within my circle of influence and with the gifts I have, When you are at peace, the enemy doesn't like that, and I believe a lot of challenges we face in the world come from his opposition. 

Ephesians 6:12King James Version (KJV)

12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

The devil only comes to steal and destroy our joy and our peace, So that leads me to our December. It started out with several unexpected expenses, not all of which are remedied yet. Then, let's just take a look at last week alone. On Thursday, our dryer stopped working. On Friday, Lucas flushed a bar of soap down our new toilet that was recently installed. On Saturday, he sliced the tip of his finger while spinning in a computer chair at home, and I found myself in that awful position of trying to determine what had just happened since I didn't see it, and my son is non-verbal for the most part. He wouldn't let me touch him to find out where the injury was, and where all the blood was coming from. Finally after getting him cleaned off in the bath tub, I saw his finger. Off the the ER for his first set of stitches! I was filled with praise that the doctor we got was a dad who has a son with autism, and that we did make it through the procedure without sedation, and it went MUCH better than we ever expected. I believe the prayers of our friends and the ones I sent up were answered in this aspect. Now he is still a bit sore there, so leaving on his bandages without much of a fight either, but I have come down with my first cold in a year and a half, at 5 days before Christmas, and my prayer is just that my poor injured little boy doesn't get sick as well. As you know life does not stop because you are having a hard time. You still have to do all the day to day things. Church events have been going on every weekend this month and my husband works there part time, so in addition to his full time job, he is away for all those things. They are all good things, very much worth doing, but I have to admit I am tired. It HAS been a long December, and all those other months too. 

Even as I write this, I know there are others who have much greater troubles and heartaches than mine. But I found a Word today that reminded me of why I am not falling completely apart. I am reminded of why my heart is still hopeful, still happy. (Mostly.) 

1 Peter 1:5-6English Standard Version (ESV)

 who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials,

There are many passages in scripture that remind us that if we belong to Christ, ALL our problems are temporary, and we will have glory to be gained if we suffer, just as Jesus did. Reading the pages of the Bible, you find that nobody ever had it easy. Everyone who ever accomplished great things for God had troubles, and lots of them. Some of the seasons of hardship must have seemed to go on forever. But God had plans for each of them, just as He does for you and me. I dare to say that if we keep focusing on what is good, and we keep on loving other people who need it, even when we are down, God's blessings will be so great we can't even imagine what it will look like. I hope that sharing my story has brought hope to you, knowing that we always have good reason for joy, no matter how hard this life may get. Jesus is alive forever, and will stay at our side always. If you are having a long December too, I pray that His supernatural peace will take over in your heart, and I do hope for you a new year that is better than the last.