This is the story of a girl I know well. She was born a
people person who would prefer to be in the company of others most of the time.
As a toddler she pitter pattered about on her chunky little legs, constantly
chasing after her big brother and seeking his attention.
As a preschooler, she
often felt lonely playing by herself, even if she didn’t know the meaning of
that word or how to describe the feeling. She would always ask if her friends
could come over and play, and felt dejected any time the answer was no.
Likewise if mom or dad or big brother were busy and wouldn’t want to read, or
toss a ball or play with dolls at the moment. She was pretty excited to go to
kindergarten and make new friends. She went in fully equipped with the simple
script her parents had given her when she nervously asked how she would make
friends with anyone new, since the friends she already had were not going to be
in her class. All she had to do was say “Hi, I’m Jenny. What’s your name?” Easy
enough when your 5, right?
And Jenny DID make some friends, but that year was also the
first time she had encountered serious unkindness directed towards her as well.
Words of other kids that were meant to hurt and cut down and reject. That
pattern continued in elementary school, making it hard for a born people
person, because she felt like she didn’t fit in with her peers. She was
unaccepted. When middle school came, she wished for a fresh start, because it
would be a new building and lots of new people she had not met before. But some
of the names that had been assigned to her in grade school followed to the next
place, and she was given some new labels as well. None of them were true, but
in the middle school world, what does that matter? One thing was certain, the
feeling of isolation had taken a toll. The girl felt like nobody accepted her,
nobody loved her, nobody cared if she lived or died. So maybe, she would just
die. Life felt too hard and she didn’t have anything to offer anyone anyway,
she had come to believe. She wasn’t
wanted. Except she was very much loved and cherished by her mother, and her
parents found a counselor who could get the reality of God’s love for her to
reach the depths of her heart. So it was that her fresh start came not by the
acceptance of other people, but from Jesus. She learned to understand that she
was created by God, who makes no mistakes, on purpose and for a purpose.
It was
from that day forward she grew in her relationship with Christ and cared more
about what he thought than what others thought. A month later, she was baptized
just before 14 years of age and thought she had buried all her past hurt from
other people under the water and had come out on the surface completely new.
She did grow in more confidence in who she was and became unafraid to stand up
for herself in high school and college. After she had blossomed into a young
woman and grew her hair out and learned how to fix her kinky curls, nobody ever
called her ugly anymore, and in fact, she began hearing that she was beautiful.
Although she never wanted to please people more than God, it helps to grow
confidence when you hear nice words over negative. ( That is something to keep
in mind when you talk to the people in your life.) So she firmly believed the
past was in the past. But she didn’t know that she still had a little backpack
of emotional baggage that she would carry with her into adulthood and into
marriage, and parenting and everything else. As an adult, who had been a mom
for 12 years and married for nearly 17, she began to learn some things about
herself through others. Personal counselors and friends and personal
development books helped her understand that there was still anger and
bitterness in her heart that came out any time she felt isolated, unheard or
uncared for. A favorite author by the name of Lysa Terkeurst had written these
words that brought further revelation. “If the enemy can isolate you, he can
influence you.” Our enemy, the devil, goes around looking for ways to attack
and deceive us. He wants us to believe the worst about God and ourselves and
others. He wants us to forget that it’s HIM we are fighting against and make us
fight against one another instead. And a feeling of isolation is one this girl
has known for most of life. When she was that little girl wanting to just have
lots of friends but was met with cruelty instead, she felt isolated. When her
closest friendship unexpectedly ended, and she could never quite get that kind
of relationship again with another friend, she felt isolated. When other
friends that she had for years suddenly seemed too busy for her, or
disinterested in getting together with her, she felt isolated. When her son was
born she had intended to keep working part time and have “the best of both
worlds.” But her son had developmental delays that could be detected early on
and she had to quit working and stay home full time in order to help him, and she
felt isolated. She wanted to be home with him but she also wanted to be in an
office, talking to other adults some days, and using her gift for the written
word. The more her son’s special needs emerged and she tried to have him at all
the gatherings with family and friends but ended up off in the distance with
her child who was not interested in playing where the other kids were, she felt
isolated. And when her friends couldn’t understand the challenges she
experienced with that child, or when others started to not include HIM because
of his differences, she felt more isolated than ever before. Fast forward a few
more years to becoming a mother for the second time in a season of life where
her mother had already passed away, her husband worked late hours, and it
became harder than ever to get out of the house, because now there would need
to be a sitter who didn’t mind watching a special needs boy and a baby. It was
a baby who was very attached to his mother and might not want to go to bed
without her at that. Small group Bible studies that once brought connection to
others came to an end. Date nights were no longer a possibility and getting out
for friends’ special occasions on weekends was nearly impossible. More
isolation. More loneliness. There was even a long stretch where when she really
tried to make the personal connections she longed for that something would
block every attempt to follow through. Her husband would agree to watch the
kids so she could have a mom’s night out and then she got sick. Just repeat
that scenario with the illness moving around the house from person to person,
for about 9 months time. Very little church, socialization or otherwise could
take place. And one day, during a morning workout that was accompanied by a
sermon, this girl who tried her best to take care of herself and fill in the
gaps with Jesus heard just a few words that culminated into the revelation that
led to this story being typed out and shared. Pastor Steven Furtick spoke about
how the devil only comes up against people who are a threat to him, in a
message called “You must be Important.” The basic principle of the message was
that you can know how important you are to God by the size of your storms in
life, because those are often the attacks of the enemy coming against you to
keep you from your purpose. And then he said this: “What does the enemy attack?
What you value most.” In case the name and the details of my life didn’t give
the story away, I have been writing my story. And on this morning, when these
words were spoken, I set down the weights and the end of my set and felt the
weight of the whole world fall off my shoulders at the same time, even as I was
hit hard by this realization. What I value most are relationships, and the
devil has been attacking me in that area for all of my life, and I had no idea.
I never realized that from the time I was that tiny toddler, he was using my
longing for relationship with others against me. But now I know. And now I see how he used my
value on relationships and quality time with people to hurt me and cause me to save up all sorts of untrue
limiting beliefs about myself. I see how he used the feeling of isolation to
drive a wedge between my husband and me, as I tally up the record of wrongs or
perceived unfairness in his ability to be out among the living while I am
limited to a screen with profiles or pictures. I have left behind friendships
with too little fight because I carried that little backpack of baggage from
childhood, and withdrew from any relationship where I felt left out or tuned
out or whatever other slight may occur, without ever having the nerve to just
simply tell the person what I was thinking and let them clarify their
intentions. And don’t get me started on how much I hate it when someone
interrupts or talks over me. Isn’t it ironic that I married the most talkative
human being alive, and he as ADD so he wants to get his words out the second
they come to mind? Life is funny. But as you can imagine, it is freeing to have
figured out the truth. It was freeing to verbally declare to the enemy that he
can’t have my family, my marriage, or me. I will address this and know that no
power in hell can keep me from making it to the purposes God has for me. I will
fight for my relationships from now on. I will make time for the ones that
matter, no matter what obstacles the enemy tries to place in my way. Greater is
He who is in me, and I am so very grateful this day for His revelation about
what has been going on and why I don’t have to let it hurt me or my loved ones
any longer. I have a clear view of whom I am fighting and it is not any other
person in my life. Praise God, the one who has been turning my values against
me is under my feet because of Christ’s glorious defeat of him. What do you value most? I wonder if anyone reading this can also see where the enemy uses that for harm. What he intends for harm, God will use to make something good!
