"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothes?" Matthew 6:25
In this verse, Jesus had been explaining to his disciples why we need not worry about our daily needs being met, and how worry achieves nothing for us. But when I heard these words in my mind this day, I thought of Jesus simply asking if life was not about more than food, and on this day I realized that it truly was so much more. There were so many more important things to enjoy that day than the food I refrained from eating. It was indeed a beautiful day, and even though my son did not understand the game or want to watch much of it, he enjoyed the attention he got from his teachers, and walking around the ball park to see all the sights, and especially seeing the Pirate Parrot. My husband had gotten the opportunity to enjoy baseball, something that was special to him because of the many games he attended with his grandfather, with his own son that day. This was something that would not happen without the special seating because Lucas does not care about sports and loathes to sit still in one place for long. But today it happened and everyone had fun. Who cares about chocolate cake?
I thought my eating struggles were over forever. But then life happened. Isn't that always the way? My mom was getting more sick by the month, and more forgetful, and more confused. And during that time span God had also led me to a promise about a baby that I never thought I would have. I had planned to never give birth to one of my own after my oldest again. Because I was afraid. But God had something else in mind. And when He showed me that, I anxiously awaited a positive pregnancy test month after month and it did not show up. As my beloved mother's health declined, I wanted desperately to tell her of another grandchild on the way, to give her something to look forward to, in the hope that it would help her hold on and get better. The positive result did not come for about 11 months. When it did, I was so overjoyed and so sure this was God's plan come to fruition that we shared the news with the world quickly. I was pregnant for 3 months and thanking God every day that my baby was going to live, but then that was not what happened. I miscarried so violently that I had to spend a little time in the hospital. And the one person whose shoulder I would have cried on most, other than my husband, was not with the mental or emotional capacity she once had to even understand what I had just been through or fully know what had been lost to our family. And that person, my mom, who had always taken care of me my whole life, she needed me to take care of her. So while I did not turn my back on Jesus, and I prayed daily and listened to sermons to build my faith in a time when I had never been so confused or disappointed, I also used anti depressants to keep me going in order to put my emotions aside and be there for my parents. And I used food, as well as alcohol occasionally. But I kept showing up every day until she passed away in late October.
It was 2 days after Christmas that I found out at a doctor visit for something else that I was pregnant again. The first time we had made an attempt since the loss, even though it was scary to do, was successful. I had already stepped down off my medicine because I knew we wanted to try to conceive once more. But food was still there. And God used something else to show me there are two times when I had always been able to give up the things that were bad for me and stay away from emotional eating. One was during those fasting times when it was an act of drawing nearer to God and away from any idols in my life. The other time I could do what I should without losing control was when I HAD to. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and HAD to make sure it stayed under control for my safety and that of my baby. I did great for the duration of my pregnancy. Then my second child was born, and the reality of dealing with a special needs boy in his prepubescent stage and a newborn, largely by myself while my husband worked long hours really set in.
The whole first year I enjoyed every moment of having another baby in my arms, but it was also HARD. And I had self doubt and chronic stress taking over. And then around my baby's 10th month, I was slammed with something I never expected. I got incredibly sick and felt symptoms I never had in my life. Shortly I found out I had a hyperactive thyroid, yet continued to gain weight, and later I received a diagnosis of Grave's Disease, an autoimmune condition. The prognosis you get through mainstream medicine is not good, and gives you very few treatment options, the least invasive of which is to remain on pills for a life time. I knew another time had come that I would have to change things in my diet in order to get well. God does not create disease in my opinion and belief but it exists because we live in this broken world. But God will use anything to work good in us and around us. Romans 8:28, my favorite promise in the Bible says God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. God led me to the right answers on combating this disorder that had risen up in my body. He prepared me for this season of Lent when I would refrain from ALL my emotional buffers and be willing to sit with them and drop them all at His feet instead of numbing them with food or wine. I heard lots of messages leading up to this season about keeping my eyes fixed on Him. Would I be able to see Jesus, the Bread of Life and the Living Water, above all the commotion that continuously seems to take place in my life? Could I allow myself to be filled by Him instead of chocolate, potato chips or pink moscato? I am getting it. Because of this time I have had to get close to God by allowing my feelings to be what they are instead of trying not to feel them. I have learned that I have always been afraid to fully address my feelings because if I didn't numb them down at least sometimes, I would just cry a lot. Who wants to do that? This life always has so much uncertainty and there is pain in waiting to see what God is doing. I have so many days when nothing sounds better than covering over everything that just happened with a bag of something salty, a hard cider and a binge watch of whatever show I am into at the moment. In giving up all that for Lent, there have been SO many tears and unfortunately, a few angry outbursts with my family. Take an emotional girl away from all her unhealthy coping mechanisms and it might get a little ugly. But God makes everything beautiful in its time. I can see Him more clearly. I have received new revelation from Him about the depths of Jesus' suffering that took place just so he could save us all, make us close to him and know what it is like to be human and hurt. I have been made to look at things I never thought of before in my life when it comes to the amount of physical, emotional and mental anguish the perfect Son of God went through because He did not want Heaven without you and me. In the past, when I have cried out to him, I have thought that Jesus did not live my specific set of circumstances, so I wondered if he really did get it, In my moments of extreme exhaustion and frustration and feeling sad about having to do all I do alone, I have cried and told Jesus that I am so tired of being alone. I miss my mom. I want my husband home during illnesses and minor emergencies instead of having to work to support us every day at crazy times. I have cried a lot and through my tears lamented being all alone. Now, Jesus has allowed me to see that nobody knows isolation more closely than Him. His best friends couldn't stay awake to watch and pray with him on his final evening. They scattered in fear when he was being arrested. The religious leaders accused the Light of the World of being a liar and blasphemer and they abused him and disrespected him in the worst ways, and all the while he had the power to defend himself and leave that place but he did not. And while he allowed all this injustice to take place against him, nobody he had ever helped spoke up in his defense. Nobody was there to intervene when they beat him so badly he probably should have died right there. Everyone continued to make fun of the situation while he hung on the cross as a curse for us, so we would not have to pay the penalty for our own wrong actions. Where was everyone he had healed? Where were the friends who had followed him everywhere? There is no mention of the people he arose from the very dead being there to speak on his behalf. No one held his hand while he was dying. Even his Father had a moment before he died where He could not look at him because all the evil ever done in the world and every sin that would ever be committed in the centuries ahead culminated onto the body of Christ, given as the ultimate sacrifice for all, and God could not bear the sight. In him there is no darkness and they can't coexist. So Jesus does know isolation in a time where one would only hope for some help or some comforting words. Jesus knows what it is to be alone and to face hard things alone, more than we could ever imagine. As a result of Jesus' bold actions, we can know that while we may feel all alone in the world, we are not. Jesus promises to be with us always. (Matthew 28:20)
The bonus of allowing God to work this out in my heart is that I have gotten healthier in every way, but that is a post for another time. The main point I am hoping to share with anyone who needs it is that it's okay to just FEEL anxiety, frustration, fear, sadness and even depression. If you will bring those things to Jesus, instead of covering them up, He can heal. What stays concealed can not be healed. Whatever addiction you have, please ask yourself if you are relying on it because you are afraid to feel how you actually feel. If you stop hiding the emotions, and you address them with the One who knows how you feel and understands you better than you do yourself, all can be healed.
