I was walking and sitting with Jesus on a beautiful morning, after a few weeks of my early morning time alone being taken away from me. I finally had a little time.
Years ago, when my first special needs boy was little, I found myself always complaining that he got out of bed SO early every day. He was always up well before the sun, no matter the time of year. I was tired. Especially during the time that I was still working as a newspaper reporter and often had to put in late nights. After his first birthday though, and getting in all his therapies, I knew I had to be his mom full time and let my work go on hold. I did that, but still, when he was up at 5 or 5:30 AM, I still felt like there wasn’t enough coffee in the world. I do blame my 17 year caffeine addiction on becoming his mother. And I really didn’t like jumping out of bed and having to dive right in to taking care of another demanding little human. I was coming at it from an empty place. But complaining wasn't helping me.
During this time, I felt like God spoke to me that what I needed was to connect with him first, and maybe get moving in the morning, instead of afternoon, since my Lucas was drawing to the end of his glorious years of napping. So it was then that I started setting an early alarm for myself, and getting up an hour before he did.
I continued that habit for all these years, even after having another special needs boy 6 years ago. I thanked God regularly, that unlike my first child, Liam was a good sleeper. Since he was a baby he slept 10 hours through the night. That did still have him getting up early, but I always got my hour at least for my Miracle Morning. If you have never read that book, I still recommend it!
But three weeks ago, something started happening to change my ability to get in an hour alone early in the morning. I’m sorry if this is too much information, but my 6 year old who is still working on toilet training and always still slept 9 hours…he started having a bowel movement every day at 3:30 AM. Although this is two hours earlier than he usually woke up, this pattern has continued every single day, no matter what we do the night before. He goes every day at 3:30 and wakes up, not willing to try getting any more sleep. Although he did start kindergarten this year, he seems to be doing fine with this crazy schedule, going to sleep a bit earlier tonight and catching a quick nap as we drive home from school each day.
But for me, with just enough time to say a quick prayer and read a verse in the Bible app as he arises at this early hour, I have to make some time during his school day to connect with God on a deeper level. Since I have since changed to working my own businesses at home, I am thankful that his starting school gives me the opportunity to do that. I am currently reading a book called Rest for Your Soul by Wendy Blight and doing Bible study. As I walked on this day, praying for some answers about what I should be doing in some areas of my life, I sat down on a bench and opened the book on my phone to get a little further along in my reading. The section was about the importance of taking time alone with God. It gave scriptures that showed us how Jesus always did this as a way to get refreshed during his time on earth, and we need to regularly get filled up in the same way Jesus did. But there was something I noticed with a fresh perspective during my reading of those scriptures and I would like to share the passages and what God showed me as I read them.
Here is one about what happened when Jesus heard the news of his cousin, John the Baptist, being beheaded.
From Matthew:
On hearing this, Jesus slipped away privately by boat to be alone. But when the crowds discovered he had sailed away, they emerged from all the nearby towns and followed him on foot. So when Jesus landed he had a huge crowd waiting for him. Seeing so many people, his heart was deeply moved with compassion toward them, so he healed all the sick who were in the crowd. Later that afternoon the disciples came to Jesus and said, “It’s going to be dark soon and the people are hungry, but there’s nothing to eat here in this desolate place. You should send the crowds away to the nearby villages to buy themselves some food.” “They don’t need to leave,” Jesus responded. “You can give them something to eat.” They answered, “But all we have is five barley loaves and two fish.” “Let me have them,” Jesus replied. Then he had everyone sit down on the grass and he then took the five loaves and two fish. He looked up into heaven, gave thanks to God, and broke the bread into pieces. He then gave it to his disciples, who in turn gave it to the crowds. And everyone ate until they were satisfied, for the food was multiplied in front of their eyes! They picked up the leftovers and filled up twelve baskets full! There were about five thousand men who were fed, in addition to many women and children! As soon as the people were fed, Jesus told his disciples to get into their boat and to go to the other side of the lake while he stayed behind to dismiss the people. After the crowds dispersed, Jesus went up into the hills to pray. And as night fell he was there praying alone. But the disciples, who were now in the middle of the lake, ran into trouble, for their boat was tossed about by the high winds and heavy seas. At about four o’clock in the morning, Jesus came to them, walking on the waves! When the disciples saw him walking on top of the water, they were terrified and screamed, “A ghost!” Then Jesus said, “Be brave and don’t be afraid. I am here!” Peter shouted out, “Lord, if it’s really you, then have me join you on the water!” “Come and join me,” Jesus replied. So Peter stepped out onto the water and began to walk toward Jesus. But when he realized how high the waves were, he became frightened and started to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he cried out. Jesus immediately stretched out his hand and lifted him up and said, “What little faith you have! Why would you let doubt win?” And the very moment they both stepped into the boat, the raging wind ceased. Then all the disciples bowed down before him and worshiped Jesus. They said in adoration, “You are truly the Son of God!”
And then, one more passage I read before I share my point. In this telling in Mark’s Gospel, we see that the disciples had just returned from traveling and ministering when they and Jesus heard about John, and out of concern for them, he invited them to rest. From Mark 6:
30 The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. 31 Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”
32 So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place. 33 But many who saw them leaving recognized them and ran on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. 34 When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.
35 By this time it was late in the day, so his disciples came to him. “This is a remote place,” they said, “and it’s already very late. 36 Send the people away so that they can go to the surrounding countryside and villages and buy themselves something to eat.”
37 But he answered, “You give them something to eat.”
They said to him, “That would take more than half a year’s wages[e]! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?”
38 “How many loaves do you have?” he asked. “Go and see.”
When they found out, they said, “Five—and two fish.”
39 Then Jesus directed them to have all the people sit down in groups on the green grass. 40 So they sat down in groups of hundreds and fifties. 41 Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to distribute to the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. 42 They all ate and were satisfied, 43 and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. 44 The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand.
Here is what I noticed in the two counts of the same story. Sometimes, when Jesus intended to be alone with God, and he invited the disciples to come away and rest, they didn’t get the opportunity to do it at the time.
I do not have large crowds of people following me, hoping to see what I can do for them. But I do have two special needs boys of very different ages and with different needs always clamoring for my attention throughout the day. They often both need something at the same moment! And while I always made it my habit to get with God first thing in the morning and enter my day from a place of resting with Jesus and being filled by Him first, now that same opportunity does not exist as it once did. But here is the personal message God gave me from further reading, and seeing the example of Jesus and his followers.
Even though they did not get to sit quietly in prayer and rest with God when they had planned to, when they were very tired, they kept on walking in the will of God. Jesus kept acting according to His calling. Jesus did what he did on earth…He taught people, he healed them, and when they needed food he took the opportunity to work a miracle. He even did more for His disciples when he came to them after he did take time away, when he invited Peter to walk on water with him and then he calmed the raging waters. I love the illustration of this evening on the show The Chosen, when they are amazed that Jesus is walking on water and allows Peter to do the same, one of the disciples asks aloud how this could possibly be the SECOND most amazing thing he has seen that day.
I love Peter as I relate to him more than anyone in the Bible. He always meant well, and always wanted to do what Jesus told him in faith, but he was also hot headed, as I can be, and he messed up badly at times. How often do we all want to do what is right, and we get it so wrong? And Jesus still called him to be the foundation of his church. He is still working through each of us as well.
When you read on in your Bible, you see that eventually Jesus and His followers do get the rest with God that they still need. And while we can follow the example to DO whatever is required of us, EVEN when we are tired, we need to never give up on finding those spaces for God to fill us. I know this can be especially hard for single parents. I am not, but I do have a husband who works long hours most days. Sometimes we might need to make a space for prayer and refreshment in the middle of the chaos. I have to do that on weekends, although I am happy to have some extra space during school hours, like the walk I mentioned at the beginning where I got this revelation. One of my favorite stories is of Susanna Wesley, the mother of John Wesley and 18 other children! Yes, she had 19 kids. The story goes that when she needed time with God, she would sit at the table and pull her apron over her head. When she did that, her children knew not to interrupt her. My kids may not understand they shouldn’t interrupt me, but if this woman could pray like that with that many kids, I can take a minute when I need it most too. And that’s how God’s power is made perfect in my weakness.
I hope this helps someone today, especially if you are a special needs parent like me, which can feel so taxing, as the needs, behaviors, and messes are non-stop. Jesus is always right there with you. He and the Holy Spirit are even interceding on your behalf when you can’t pray yourself. But when the moment finally comes, take that time by yourself. Just breathe and be filled. It will help you be your best in whatever life demands of you. We can't keep growing and being fruitful if we are disconnected from The Vine.
