From Darkness to Light

This is the story of a girl I know well. She was born a people person who would prefer to be in the company of others most of the time. As a toddler she pitter pattered about on her chunky little legs, constantly chasing after her big brother and seeking his attention.

 As a preschooler, she often felt lonely playing by herself, even if she didn’t know the meaning of that word or how to describe the feeling. She would always ask if her friends could come over and play, and felt dejected any time the answer was no. Likewise if mom or dad or big brother were busy and wouldn’t want to read, or toss a ball or play with dolls at the moment. She was pretty excited to go to kindergarten and make new friends. She went in fully equipped with the simple script her parents had given her when she nervously asked how she would make friends with anyone new, since the friends she already had were not going to be in her class. All she had to do was say “Hi, I’m Jenny. What’s your name?” Easy enough when your 5, right?

And Jenny DID make some friends, but that year was also the first time she had encountered serious unkindness directed towards her as well. Words of other kids that were meant to hurt and cut down and reject. That pattern continued in elementary school, making it hard for a born people person, because she felt like she didn’t fit in with her peers. She was unaccepted. When middle school came, she wished for a fresh start, because it would be a new building and lots of new people she had not met before. But some of the names that had been assigned to her in grade school followed to the next place, and she was given some new labels as well. None of them were true, but in the middle school world, what does that matter? One thing was certain, the feeling of isolation had taken a toll. The girl felt like nobody accepted her, nobody loved her, nobody cared if she lived or died. So maybe, she would just die. Life felt too hard and she didn’t have anything to offer anyone anyway, she had come to believe.  She wasn’t wanted. Except she was very much loved and cherished by her mother, and her parents found a counselor who could get the reality of God’s love for her to reach the depths of her heart. So it was that her fresh start came not by the acceptance of other people, but from Jesus. She learned to understand that she was created by God, who makes no mistakes, on purpose and for a purpose. 

It was from that day forward she grew in her relationship with Christ and cared more about what he thought than what others thought. A month later, she was baptized just before 14 years of age and thought she had buried all her past hurt from other people under the water and had come out on the surface completely new. She did grow in more confidence in who she was and became unafraid to stand up for herself in high school and college. After she had blossomed into a young woman and grew her hair out and learned how to fix her kinky curls, nobody ever called her ugly anymore, and in fact, she began hearing that she was beautiful. Although she never wanted to please people more than God, it helps to grow confidence when you hear nice words over negative. ( That is something to keep in mind when you talk to the people in your life.) So she firmly believed the past was in the past. But she didn’t know that she still had a little backpack of emotional baggage that she would carry with her into adulthood and into marriage, and parenting and everything else. As an adult, who had been a mom for 12 years and married for nearly 17, she began to learn some things about herself through others. Personal counselors and friends and personal development books helped her understand that there was still anger and bitterness in her heart that came out any time she felt isolated, unheard or uncared for. A favorite author by the name of Lysa Terkeurst had written these words that brought further revelation. “If the enemy can isolate you, he can influence you.” Our enemy, the devil, goes around looking for ways to attack and deceive us. He wants us to believe the worst about God and ourselves and others. He wants us to forget that it’s HIM we are fighting against and make us fight against one another instead. And a feeling of isolation is one this girl has known for most of life. When she was that little girl wanting to just have lots of friends but was met with cruelty instead, she felt isolated. When her closest friendship unexpectedly ended, and she could never quite get that kind of relationship again with another friend, she felt isolated. When other friends that she had for years suddenly seemed too busy for her, or disinterested in getting together with her, she felt isolated. When her son was born she had intended to keep working part time and have “the best of both worlds.” But her son had developmental delays that could be detected early on and she had to quit working and stay home full time in order to help him, and she felt isolated. She wanted to be home with him but she also wanted to be in an office, talking to other adults some days, and using her gift for the written word. The more her son’s special needs emerged and she tried to have him at all the gatherings with family and friends but ended up off in the distance with her child who was not interested in playing where the other kids were, she felt isolated. And when her friends couldn’t understand the challenges she experienced with that child, or when others started to not include HIM because of his differences, she felt more isolated than ever before. Fast forward a few more years to becoming a mother for the second time in a season of life where her mother had already passed away, her husband worked late hours, and it became harder than ever to get out of the house, because now there would need to be a sitter who didn’t mind watching a special needs boy and a baby. It was a baby who was very attached to his mother and might not want to go to bed without her at that. Small group Bible studies that once brought connection to others came to an end. Date nights were no longer a possibility and getting out for friends’ special occasions on weekends was nearly impossible. More isolation. More loneliness. There was even a long stretch where when she really tried to make the personal connections she longed for that something would block every attempt to follow through. Her husband would agree to watch the kids so she could have a mom’s night out and then she got sick. Just repeat that scenario with the illness moving around the house from person to person, for about 9 months time. Very little church, socialization or otherwise could take place. And one day, during a morning workout that was accompanied by a sermon, this girl who tried her best to take care of herself and fill in the gaps with Jesus heard just a few words that culminated into the revelation that led to this story being typed out and shared. Pastor Steven Furtick spoke about how the devil only comes up against people who are a threat to him, in a message called “You must be Important.” The basic principle of the message was that you can know how important you are to God by the size of your storms in life, because those are often the attacks of the enemy coming against you to keep you from your purpose. And then he said this: “What does the enemy attack? What you value most.” In case the name and the details of my life didn’t give the story away, I have been writing my story. And on this morning, when these words were spoken, I set down the weights and the end of my set and felt the weight of the whole world fall off my shoulders at the same time, even as I was hit hard by this realization. What I value most are relationships, and the devil has been attacking me in that area for all of my life, and I had no idea. I never realized that from the time I was that tiny toddler, he was using my longing for relationship with others against me.  But now I know. And now I see how he used my value on relationships and quality time with people to hurt me and cause me to save up all sorts of untrue limiting beliefs about myself. I see how he used the feeling of isolation to drive a wedge between my husband and me, as I tally up the record of wrongs or perceived unfairness in his ability to be out among the living while I am limited to a screen with profiles or pictures. I have left behind friendships with too little fight because I carried that little backpack of baggage from childhood, and withdrew from any relationship where I felt left out or tuned out or whatever other slight may occur, without ever having the nerve to just simply tell the person what I was thinking and let them clarify their intentions. And don’t get me started on how much I hate it when someone interrupts or talks over me. Isn’t it ironic that I married the most talkative human being alive, and he as ADD so he wants to get his words out the second they come to mind? Life is funny. But as you can imagine, it is freeing to have figured out the truth. It was freeing to verbally declare to the enemy that he can’t have my family, my marriage, or me. I will address this and know that no power in hell can keep me from making it to the purposes God has for me. I will fight for my relationships from now on. I will make time for the ones that matter, no matter what obstacles the enemy tries to place in my way. Greater is He who is in me, and I am so very grateful this day for His revelation about what has been going on and why I don’t have to let it hurt me or my loved ones any longer. I have a clear view of whom I am fighting and it is not any other person in my life. Praise God, the one who has been turning my values against me is under my feet because of Christ’s glorious defeat of him. What do you value most? I wonder if anyone reading this can also see where the enemy uses that for harm. What he intends for harm,  God will use to make something good!