Rest Awhile

I was walking and sitting with Jesus on a beautiful morning, after a few weeks of my early morning time alone being taken away from me. I finally had a little time. 

Years ago, when my first special needs boy was little, I found myself always complaining that he got out of bed SO early every day. He was always up well before the sun, no matter the time of year. I was tired. Especially during the time that I was still working as a newspaper reporter and often had to put in late nights. After his first birthday though, and getting in all his therapies, I knew I had to be his mom full time and let my work go on hold. I did that, but still, when he was up at 5 or 5:30 AM, I still felt like there wasn’t enough coffee in the world. I do blame my 17 year caffeine addiction on becoming his mother. And I really didn’t like jumping out of bed and having to dive right in to taking care of another demanding little human. I was coming at it from an empty place. But complaining wasn't helping me.

During this time, I felt like God spoke to me that what I needed was to connect with him first, and maybe get moving in the morning, instead of afternoon, since my Lucas was drawing to the end of his glorious years of napping. So it was then that I started setting an early alarm for myself, and getting up an hour before he did. 

I continued that habit for all these years, even after having another special needs boy 6 years ago. I thanked God regularly, that unlike my first child, Liam was a good sleeper. Since he was a baby he slept 10 hours through the night. That did still have him getting up early, but I always got my hour at least for my Miracle Morning. If you have never read that book, I still recommend it! 

But three weeks ago, something started happening to change my ability to get in an hour alone early in the morning. I’m sorry if this is too much information, but my 6 year old who is still working on toilet training and always still slept 9 hours…he started having a bowel movement every day at 3:30 AM. Although this is two hours earlier than he usually woke up, this pattern has continued every single day, no matter what we do the night before. He goes every day at 3:30 and wakes up, not willing to try getting any more sleep. Although he did start kindergarten this year, he seems to be doing fine with this crazy schedule, going to sleep a bit earlier tonight and catching a quick nap as we drive home from school each day.

But for me, with just enough time to say a quick prayer and read a verse in the Bible app as he arises at this early hour, I have to make some time during his school day to connect with God on a deeper level. Since I have since changed to working my own businesses at home, I am thankful that his starting school gives me the opportunity to do that. I am currently reading a book called Rest for Your Soul by Wendy Blight  and doing Bible study.  As I walked on this day, praying for some answers about what I should be doing in some areas of my life, I sat down on a bench and opened the book on my phone to get a little further along in my reading. The section was about the importance of taking time alone with God. It gave scriptures that showed us how Jesus always did this as a way to get refreshed during his time on earth, and we need to regularly get filled up in the same way Jesus did. But there was something I noticed with a fresh perspective during my reading of those scriptures and I would like to share the passages and what God showed me as I read them. 

Here is one about what happened when Jesus heard the news of his cousin, John the Baptist, being beheaded. 

From Matthew: 

On hearing this, Jesus slipped away privately by boat to be alone. But when the crowds discovered he had sailed away, they emerged from all the nearby towns and followed him on foot. So when Jesus landed he had a huge crowd waiting for him. Seeing so many people, his heart was deeply moved with compassion toward them, so he healed all the sick who were in the crowd. Later that afternoon the disciples came to Jesus and said, “It’s going to be dark soon and the people are hungry, but there’s nothing to eat here in this desolate place. You should send the crowds away to the nearby villages to buy themselves some food.” “They don’t need to leave,” Jesus responded. “You can give them something to eat.” They answered, “But all we have is five barley loaves and two fish.” “Let me have them,” Jesus replied. Then he had everyone sit down on the grass and he then took the five loaves and two fish. He looked up into heaven, gave thanks to God, and broke the bread into pieces. He then gave it to his disciples, who in turn gave it to the crowds. And everyone ate until they were satisfied, for the food was multiplied in front of their eyes! They picked up the leftovers and filled up twelve baskets full! There were about five thousand men who were fed, in addition to many women and children! As soon as the people were fed, Jesus told his disciples to get into their boat and to go to the other side of the lake while he stayed behind to dismiss the people. After the crowds dispersed, Jesus went up into the hills to pray. And as night fell he was there praying alone. But the disciples, who were now in the middle of the lake, ran into trouble, for their boat was tossed about by the high winds and heavy seas. At about four o’clock in the morning, Jesus came to them, walking on the waves! When the disciples saw him walking on top of the water, they were terrified and screamed, “A ghost!” Then Jesus said, “Be brave and don’t be afraid. I am here!” Peter shouted out, “Lord, if it’s really you, then have me join you on the water!” “Come and join me,” Jesus replied. So Peter stepped out onto the water and began to walk toward Jesus. But when he realized how high the waves were, he became frightened and started to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he cried out. Jesus immediately stretched out his hand and lifted him up and said, “What little faith you have! Why would you let doubt win?” And the very moment they both stepped into the boat, the raging wind ceased. Then all the disciples bowed down before him and worshiped Jesus. They said in adoration, “You are truly the Son of God!”

And then, one more passage I read before I share my point. In this telling in Mark’s Gospel, we see that the disciples had just returned from traveling and ministering when they  and Jesus heard about John, and out of concern for them, he invited them to rest. From Mark 6: 

30 The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. 31 Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”

32 So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place. 33 But many who saw them leaving recognized them and ran on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. 34 When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.

35 By this time it was late in the day, so his disciples came to him. “This is a remote place,” they said, “and it’s already very late. 36 Send the people away so that they can go to the surrounding countryside and villages and buy themselves something to eat.”

37 But he answered, “You give them something to eat.”

They said to him, “That would take more than half a year’s wages[e]! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?”

38 “How many loaves do you have?” he asked. “Go and see.”

When they found out, they said, “Five—and two fish.”

39 Then Jesus directed them to have all the people sit down in groups on the green grass. 40 So they sat down in groups of hundreds and fifties. 41 Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to distribute to the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. 42 They all ate and were satisfied, 43 and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. 44 The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand.

Here is what I noticed in the two counts of the same story. Sometimes, when Jesus intended to be alone with God, and he invited the disciples to come away and rest, they didn’t get the opportunity to do it at the time. 

I do not have large crowds of people following me, hoping to see what I can do for them. But I do have two special needs boys of very different ages and with different needs always clamoring for my attention throughout the day. They often both need something at the same moment! And while I always made it my habit to get with God first thing in the morning and enter my day from a place of resting with Jesus and being filled by Him first, now that same opportunity does not exist as it once did. But here is the personal message God gave me from further reading, and seeing the example of Jesus and his followers.

Even though they did not get to sit quietly in prayer and rest with God when they had planned to, when they were very tired, they kept on walking in the will of God. Jesus kept acting according to His calling. Jesus did what he did on earth…He taught people, he healed them, and when they needed food he took the opportunity to work a miracle. He even did more for His disciples when he came to them after he did take time away, when he invited Peter to walk on water with him and then he calmed the raging waters. I love the illustration of this evening on the show The Chosen, when they are amazed that Jesus is walking on water and allows Peter to do the same, one of the disciples asks aloud how this could possibly be the SECOND most amazing thing he has seen that day. 

I love Peter as I relate to him more than anyone in the Bible. He always meant well, and always wanted to do what Jesus told him in faith, but he was also hot headed, as I can be, and he messed up badly at times. How often do we all want to do what is right, and we get it so wrong? And Jesus still called him to be the foundation of his church. He is still working through each of us as well. 

When you read on in your Bible, you see that eventually Jesus and His followers do get the rest with God that they still need. And while we can follow the example to DO whatever is required of us, EVEN when we are tired, we need to never give up on finding those spaces for God to fill us. I know this can be especially hard for single parents. I am not, but I do have a husband who works long hours most days. Sometimes we might need to make a space for prayer and refreshment in the middle of the chaos. I have to do that on weekends, although I am happy to have some extra space during school hours, like the walk I mentioned at the beginning where I got this revelation. One of my favorite stories is of Susanna Wesley, the mother of John Wesley and 18 other children! Yes, she had 19 kids. The story goes that when she needed time with God, she would sit at the table and pull her apron over her head. When she did that, her children knew not to interrupt her. My kids may not understand they shouldn’t interrupt me, but if this woman could pray like that with that many kids, I can take a minute when I need it most too. And that’s how God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. 

I hope this helps someone today, especially if you are a special needs parent like me, which can feel so taxing, as the needs, behaviors, and messes are non-stop. Jesus is always right there with you. He and the Holy Spirit are even interceding on your behalf when you can’t pray yourself. But when the moment finally comes, take that time by yourself. Just breathe and be filled. It will help you be your best in whatever life demands of you. We can't keep growing and being fruitful if we are disconnected from The Vine.

Don't Look Away

 When you are in one of the waiting rooms of life, and each and every day of your life has the potential to bring great challenges and hard things, it can be too easy to just keep looking at your issues. The human tendency is to get into a negative loop in the mind, and start thinking that nothing will ever change. That's because your enemy is always at work in your thoughts, and thinking that nothing will get better is exactly what he wants you to believe. 

Two years ago,  God gave me a vision of our family's future, and it came in pieces. First he showed me that I got into a negative loop myself when I felt overwhelmed by having two boys with special needs and different challenges, and all of our services kept dwindling away. I kept thinking about how unfair it was that I didn't have one other human to help me, since my mom had passed away, my husband was usually at work and got home after we had all gone to bed, and then all the assistance I did have from local agencies dissipated into practically nothing at all. I kept saying in my mind or out loud when anyone was around to listen that I was alone in this or I have to do everything myself. I have no help in this world. 

The first thing God did in my heart was to answer me with His word when I declared I have no help. 

Once I received this Word of the Lord and had it in my mind, I realized how wrong I had been to keep saying I had to do it all myself without help. From that moment, He gave me another promise, based on more of the truth of the Word. God spoke to my spirit that if I had within me the same power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead, the Holy Spirit, I could not only do every single thing required to take care of my two boys but I would help other people in the special needs community too. I could take care of other individuals in different ways and help parents who were feeling the way I was before I got this revelation. But at that time, that was as far as it went and I didn't know where this would even take place, as for the last year we had been researching places which might be good locations to move into with our boys. We wanted somewhere they could feel happy, with warmer weather most of the year, and where all the services had not gone away or decreased in quality, as we felt they had where we live. We looked into may states and different cities, but still didn't know where we were meant to be. We thought we might like to become Floridians! 

It wasn't long after God told me the first thing about remaining faithful in my daily care of my kids that he used the words of a few pastors I had been listening to give me the full picture of what I would be able to do, AND at the same time he showed me that I needed to look more closely at Greenville, South Carolina. I had not really had it on my radar but had just seen a YouTube video of one of my favorite vegan guys eating at a restaurant there and touring downtown and Mike and I both commented on how beautiful it was. We did dig in, and so just under two years ago we found out the place had literally everything that we needed and wanted in the lives of our children and for ourselves. God spoke to me again about what would come to pass when we relocated to Greenville, the big picture.....and it was amazing and exciting! I could not wait to get there. A year and a half later, we still live where we are, but decided to go ahead down for a visit and see if we could make some connections. It felt so perfectly natural to be there. So peaceful. Everyone was kind to my kids. Nobody anywhere just started at them like they often do when we are out and about in other locations. But here, if they looked at my sons, they smiled or said hello to them. Some people commented to me on how beautiful my boys were. Liam visited three different playgrounds and even seemed more well received by other kids than he usually is back here. And there was also the fact that I got to meet friends of mine whom with I had only interacted in the online space up until our visit, but when we met in person we were instant family! I rarely get to see people and spend time in person at our current home, and quality time is my love language! I am a people person. (If you have not read the book Love Languages, I think everyone should!) So, when we crossed the state lines to return here, and settled back into normal life for us where we are, I felt what I can only describe as homesickness, for the place we had left behind! 

That's the back story, in case anyone wanted to know. And something happens pretty much on the daily around here that makes me just want to think about how much I don't want to live here anymore, and start questioning WHY God, has my husband not been offered a job in the place to which YOU directed us? How long, God? Look what's going on here! Look what happened on the playground last week or at school today. Look how unhappy my high school boy is! Look at how nobody is helping me advance my children to their full potential! 

But this week, God was so good and gracious to me, once again. He showed me clearly that I was the one who needed to look at something, and it was not all the problems and timelines my gaze had been fixed upon. It wasn't the issues had hand, real as they may be, where I needed to place my focus. I got this verse in one of my daily readings. 

And after reading this, I came across the story of Peter walking on the water to Jesus and then looking away from him at the storm raging around them, not once but twice! OK, God, I understand the reminder. When Peter took his focus off of Jesus, and looked around at what was happening, that was the moment he lost is faith. Jesus has been calling me to keep walking, sometimes in the literal sense, as in my 75 Hard Challenge, that requires 45 minutes of outdoor exercise each day, for a total of 90 minutes of exercise for the day, 

Just like in the challenge, where I need to focus on each next step and each small action, and not look at the big picture, I need to apply that to what I am waiting for in faith for my children. Day by day, moment by moment, I can choose to keep my perfect peace by focusing my thoughts on God. And I can remember that I can create our future reality with what I am thinking about now! I don't need to know WHEN. I can just know that He can be trusted, and every word He as spoken to me will be fulfilled. 

I don't even need to worry with the questionable things that may happen tomorrow. I just need to believe that God has gone ahead of us, and He will light our path, and if things are not good yet, God hasn't finished. So from now on, when the devil wants to tell me I should be miserable because nothing is ever going to change, I will remember my pastor's message last week when he kept repeating "things change! they really do!" And I will look at Jesus. 

God gave me one more confirmation that I needed to seal this and know that I should share this message with others. My beautiful boy Liam, whom I just want the absolute best for as he goes to kindergarten this next school year, showed me how to keep a worshiper's heart, without worry about what is going on around us. Every time we watch a message from Elevation, Liam gets fired up when Pastor Steven is fired up, and he gets excited about the music too. At one point in last week's message, which we kept watching over because it was SO good, there was praise and preaching going on at the same time, and Liam ran up to the screen like this. 

This is what he always does! Liam doesn't lack confidence in our love for him, or God's love for him. Some of his favorite words to hear are "God loves Liam," and I think it makes him smile because in his precious heart, he knows it's the truth. He isn't anxious over where he will be on the first day of school, or what he is going to do as he grows up. He just loves Jesus and loves life, and he shows it with the fullest expression he has every single day. 

I want to be more like my son. Don't you? Another book suggestion I have is that everyone should read Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo. In it, his little boy has an out of body experience and when he does get well again and goes home, they find out there is evidence the little boy had been to Heaven. He met people there in his family whom he had never been told about. And he spent a lot of time talking about Jesus and how much Jesus loves children. His father wrote that every time he saw a picture of Jesus, he would critique what wrong with it, explaining why these pictures were not what Jesus really looked like. Then one day, he saw a painting by a young girl named Akiane Kramarik, who said she was given a vision of the Messiah and she painted it. Colton, the little guy in the book, stared at the painting, and his parents asked him what was wrong with this one. He replied that there was nothing wrong with this painting, and in fact, this one had it right. So, if it helps you to visualize as it helps me, I am going to close with their account of what our Lord looks like, because this is the way I picture Him when I really need to fix my eyes on Him and imagine that He is holding me. In the spiritual realm, He always is holding us. He is within us, and closer than the whisper of His name. So whatever you are going though, waiting on, or hoping for, just focus on the One who loves you more than His own life. And don't look away. 

That is you. This is me.

 When I was only three years old, I knew that people shouldn’t be compared to other people. My mom told me. 

The story goes that I drew on the wall with my crayons. I really can’t remember if I knew beforehand that I wasn’t supposed to. But my mom was frustrated as she was attempting to clean it up and she said to me. “Jimmy (my older brother) NEVER did things like this.” 

Sassy as I always was, I replied, “well that’s him and this is me!” 

My mom said she felt remorseful at that moment because she knew she should not have been comparing us and she didn’t do that anymore. 

At only three, my words carried more wisdom than I could have known. But then kindergarten came, and I let the world change me, because I didn't know any better. 

First, I had never really been around kids who were mean to me before that. But when they called me names, I at first was shocked and over time just believed what they said, and would spend years trying to be different. 

I vividly remember how proud I was to have my brother’s old Incredible Hulk lunch box. I had ASKED to take it because I loved the Hulk. But then, the kids around me laughed about my boys lunch box. And I went home angry saying I had a boys lunch box and I needed my mom to get me a girls lunch box. 

I think back to this and wish I had my three year old sass that would have just told them I liked my lunch box and could have whatever lunch box I chose. But when we are young and surrounded by our peers, we want so desperately to fit in….to be accepted. I guess it's rooted in our tribal history, from what I have heard and read. So in school, we learn to compare ourselves with everyone else. I began to think if I could just be like this classmate, or that girl in the other class, I would be good enough then. If only I was as pretty or smart as so and so. 

By the time fifth grade came, I was certain that my mom had to let me pick my own clothes, get my hair done right, and whatever else I could do to make myself fit with my peers.  I had to be cool. But by the age of 13 I thought I would never be enough for anyone to really love me and had to work through my first round of depression with a counselor because I dreamed of ending my life. This is what comparison brought me to, and I worry that in this day and age, it must be so much worse for young girls doing social media. And probably for boys too. 

Don’t we work for a lifetime to free ourselves from the comparison trap? Maybe some of us are still trying to as adults. If it’s something adults have to work on in the era of constantly viewing everyone’s highlight reels of vacations, new cars, new homes, fancy dinners, etc, what must our teenagers feel like when they are being raised in the digital world? 

Aren’t these such wise words? It's one of my favorite quotes because I know it's the truth. If we compare our success, or even our problems, with that of others, it will leave us feeling bad. So what if someone else achieved something? We are no less valuable because our life looks different. My sweet mother never thought she did enough to make a real impact in the world. But everyone who ever knew her was impacted by her kindness shown in small acts of love. By Kingdom standards, she was successful. 

God made everyone different because he wanted diversity. That’s why people are different shades and shapes, and all have different gifts. God is not boring and wouldn’t want to create a boring world, so He made us to each stand out in our own ways. You are who you are meant to be. I have had to stop myself repeatedly from thinking about why I couldn't achieve things at the level of others. That's their story. God is writing a different one for me and something else for you. 

I wish I knew when I was young what I know now. The only opinion of me that is the truth is the one God has of me. And because of Jesus, I am perfect in the sight of God. There is nothing I have to do to receive that, and nothing you have to do. The free gift of salvation we get from Jesus also makes us the righteousness of God in this world, so we are seem without fault. (2 Corinthians 5:21) 

And since we are loved beyond measure, we should be proud of whatever we have to contribute to this world in partnership with God.  Being a child of the One True King means there is enough to go around for everyone. Don't look at anyone's success and think you can never succeed. Yours just might look different than theirs. And don't feel bad about yourself because you were sad over your problems and someone else you know has it worse than you. God is big enough to handle all our emotions. I have come to believe that all we need to do in this life is nurture the gifts we have, and share whatever we have with the world. That's how we all make a difference, and let's be sure to do it all for an audience of One. 

Prayer is not passive

 "All we can do is pray." "I wish I could do more, but I am praying." "Our prayers are not enough." 

Have you ever said or heard someone say phrases like these? 

I was listening to a podcast I love this morning and as it sometimes happens, I felt like the Holy Spirit was giving me more to say about the topic spoken of. Other teachings I had learned so much from in the past were brought to mind, and I felt like I had to share what came on my heart. 

So here I am, in the midst of breakfast dishes and piles of laundry needing put away, the Wonder Pets on full blast in the background, sharing why prayer is more powerful than we give it credit for and why the Bible says we need to do it constantly. 

The podcast I mentioned was from Nicki Koziarz, Lessons from the Farm, and it was entitled, "But are we even praying?" 

She put it out in response to what she had been seeing on social media from people who with good reason want to see justice and action to prevent more tragedy after the school shooting in Texas. To sum it up, religious leaders have even said "our prayers are not enough." 

She questioned how ours souls have gotten to a place of seeing prayer as something small that doesn't make a real difference, but also questioned whether we even pray enough to see the real power in it. 

Nicki admitted to not praying enough over her city, the country, and the leadership of the country, and I admit the same. As much as I love God, truth be told, I often forget to even say a simple prayer before I eat! 

As she said she did, I have also prayed over the families who lost someone in such a tragic way. But she reminded us that prayer gives us the power to drive out the forces of evil in this world and to spark revival. Yes, it really does! And if we spent enough time in prayer as a whole, meaning every follower of Christ was united in prayer for this world, we would see a difference! That is the part I wanted to expand on and back up with scripture, so I will do my best. 

Another ministry that has become dear to my heart has shown me a lot about the truth of the following scripture, and the importance of constant prayer.

It was Because of Jesus Ministries and Connie Witter who taught me that any thought we have that does not line up with what God thinks, whether that's a negative opinion of ourselves, or looking at the negative around us thinking all is hopeless, that thought is a lie from hell. The only way the devil has to influence us is through our thoughts. He doesn't have the power to hurt anyone in any other way because Jesus already defeated him when he died on the cross and rose up from the dead. But he uses what Jesus called his native language, LIES, to influence our thinking. All the evil that happens in the world is because Satan influences the minds of people to believe his lies, and to act out of darkness instead of light. When people allow the dark influence over them to continue, it's because they don't know their real identity, who God made them to be. They have believed the lies of the enemy and acted out of that dark place because they were not able to see the truth, or maybe nobody ever shared the real Truth with them. But just because Satan sends us negative thoughts or wrong thoughts, we do not have to keep those thoughts and we do not have to believe them. 

I believe the reason these two scriptures are included in the Bible is so that we can know that it's imperative to let God be the one in charge of what we think....to allow him to renew our mind every day, every moment! I am living proof of how a collection of wrong thoughts, circulated in the brain repeatedly over time, can take a person down. In my own life, the way Satan has tried to eliminate me working out my full potential on God's behalf is through depression. It started out when I was only 13, and that was probably my rock bottom with it, because without mature understanding of God's love for me or how circumstances change, I wanted to end my life, and I thought about it frequently. See how that worked? I THOUGHT. I thought my family would be better off without me and I thought I didn't have anything good to offer in the world because I believed every bad thing that any other person had ever said about me. I thought I was stupid, so I started getting bad grades that year. I thought nobody was ever going to love me for me. But someone gifted by God with the ability to show a young girl the truth helped me instead believe the what was true about me, that I was made by God on purpose and for a purpose. But the devil wasn't about to be done with using negative thinking against me. Depression would come back, and I would beat it, and then something else would happen in my life that was hard, and it would come again. When I had a special needs child, it came back, along with the worst anxiety, when he was going to kindergarten as a non-verbal little boy. Because he had one preschool teacher who was abusive towards children who didn't come to school with their own aid, like mine did, I was terrified that someone could hurt my baby and I may never know. That was the first time I accepted prescription drugs from my doctor to help me get the swirling emotions and panic attacks under control. Now, having two boys that don't say much, I can see how far God has brought me along in my thinking. Whenever my boys are not with me, I have come to understand that God is with them. Yes, bad things happen in this world, as we have just been reminded. And I know that it's because of human free will and them allowing the devil to make them THINK what is not true and it all comes from the depths of hell.  I can't begin to understand why some tragedies are divinely prevented, when others are not, but this circles me back to the importance of prayer. I just pray over my babies, and I know God loves them even more than I do, and I have to trust Him for my families provision of what we need from Him day by day. God has shown me that living in worry or fear of other people, of illness, or any other of the million possibilities that CAN go wrong, will not help my children or me. 

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Luke 12:25-26

I know we won't always be free of worries, but that is when we need to PRAY. Again, back to why prayer is not the passive action that we may have come to think of it being. 

Remember how evil works against us by influencing the minds of people? Making them believe things that are not in alignment with the will of God? This is what Connie Witter and her colleagues spoke about in a Bible study that made me see why it is so important to pray, especially for the leaders whose actions and decisions disagree with what we believe is right based on scripture. Throughout Biblical history, people changed the outcome of things through prayer, and it very much still happens today. The ladies in Because of Jesus Ministries said how the apostle Paul, who previously was Saul, changed from a killer of Christians to one of the greatest messengers of the Gospel because the church prayed about him! They said the church prayed so hard about what he was doing, Jesus himself had to show up to personally stop him on the way to persecute Christians, and he changed his name and gave him a completely different calling. Saul had been doing what he was doing because he THOUGHT it was right. He thought that Jesus was not the messiah and that anyone who believed he was should be done away with. When he met Jesus, he knew he thought wrong, and he himself went to prison for spreading that news everywhere, and was able to write letters about being joyful in all circumstances while he was chained up in a dark dungeon. THAT is the kind of power prayer has. 

That is why the Bible says to pray without ceasing, and because of what Jesus did for us, we have direct access to the throne of grace at ALL times. We have the Holy Spirit dwelling within us, so God is even closer than the whisper of His name. Always. And we are told that when we pray anything according to His will, He hears us, and so we can know that we will receive what we are asking for. 

Friends, it is the will of God that the forces of darkness are stopped. And that's why the most powerful thing we can do is pray. We can pray that God will intervene in the thoughts of anyone being influenced by evil, that he will renew the minds of those who have not yet believed or who have gone away from the truth they once knew. We can pray together even when we are not together, that the people in this world who have believed the lies of the devil will believe them no longer, and that they will clearly see the truth. We need to pray it over all leadership that they will make choices that do line up with God's will. We need to pray it about everyone our children will come in contact with that day, and over each family member and friend. We need to pray it over church leadership in every denomination, that they will stay in line with God's will and not act in sin because of the enemy's influence in their thoughts. We need to pray this over anyone and everyone we can. And yes, it is enough. When we can do other things to help, like provide a need, or send a letter, or share the truth through love in actions, we should. But for the rest of the time, when it seems like there is nothing that can be done, we can pray. So, let's pray. 

Faith and Food

I like studying topics that interest me, and nothing makes health a more interesting topic than the fact that you have become sick. I have had two run-ins with an autoimmune disease in the last 4 years. When I studied and listened to all the information I could about that sort of illness, I found out they are often triggered by chronic stress. While this fact is not spoken of much in the mainstream medical field, those who practice functional medicine all agree that stress reduction and stress management are crucial to health, because chronic stress is a catalyst for illness, especially the autoimmune types of disease. With this knowledge, it became clear to me why I was diagnosed with a hyperactive thyroid and Graves Disease. 

When I had my second baby boy, the expectation was that this one would be "normal." While there was certainly going to be a period of adjustment for Lucas to having a little brother after 10 years as an only child, and to the whole family, getting used to being 4, I couldn't wait for the days when we would see Liam being a friend and advocate for his big brother in this world. But, when Liam was 6 or so weeks old, I got the results of his cord blood test, and those results were positive for a full mutation of Fragile X Syndrome, just like his brother had. I was already experiencing a level of postpartum depression I had not been expecting when that phone call came in, and I got swept away in a lot of anger, sadness and disappointment. I got help and the Lord helped me get much better over time, but in the first year of Liam's life, I definitely had this sense that life just kept getting on top of me. I felt like I was not good at parenting two children, and nursing a baby all of the time while not being able to attend to all of the major needs my older child still had at the same time was very difficult. In the summer of 2018, my husband was working 3 jobs, while I did my best to manage all these things with just a little help in the evenings a few days a week with a home health care aid. I'll probably never forget the level of hurt I felt, both physically and emotionally, the day I finally lost it after trying to do it all for so many months. 

That was the day Lucas was tearing up the contents of the refrigerator during one of his brother's morning nursing sessions, not listening when I told him to just wait a minute for me. I attempted to hold the baby, still latched, as I got up to see what Lucas wanted and get it out for him. Liam had not appreciated being moved and he who had his first few teeth at the time bit down hard. I had a mom freak out moment and moved on but by the next day, that broken skin had become more irritated and the the day after that, it was infected. And I recall having to go to urgent care to get it treated after no doctor was in my network who could treat it and my PCP refused to help me with a problem that they determined required an OB. This incident was surely the straw that broke the camel's back. I had dealt with some stressful times before this, but I can't remember ever feeling so unable to manage. Two weeks later, I had what they call the "thyroid storm." And was pretty sure I could be dying, You can't believe the number of symptoms this can cause in your body if you never have lived it. I never knew one gland could cause so much trouble until I did. 

I went to a regular endocrinologist after my PCP had put me through a series of tests to find out the reasons for all the symptoms occurring and had sent me to an autoimmune specialist when they did see my thyroid was hyperactive but also detected and autoimmune problem in my blood work. The first one told me it was probably Hashimoto's and later corrected it to Graves, saying "sorry, I haven't been into internal medicine that long." The endocrinologist sent me for more labs, and later confirmed Graves, and I was on thyroid inhibiting medicine as well as a beta blocker because of the high heart rate I experienced. But at the same time I got myself a book on thyroid healing naturally and I had started listening to podcasts on food as medicine and healing autoimmune conditions by fixing the gut microbiome. I learned that most of the time, leaky gut contributes to autoimmunity and the foods we eat cause the body to attack a part of itself because it sees these food irritants as a pathogen needing destroyed. Dr. Mark Hyman was the first person who made me believe I could help myself heal from my disease through changing my lifestyle and what I ate, because on his podcast, The Doctor's Farmacy, they spoke about the many cases they had healed simply by fixing the person's gut. People who had crazy autoimmune conditions that were much worse than my own got better from getting their gut bacteria to be healthy instead of unhealthy! I heard these stories and knew if they could heal, I could heal. 

At my next doctor visit, I brought up the common suggestions from these other professionals that it might help me to cut out gluten and dairy, and I wanted to know if she knew anything about this. She told me point blank that changing my diet would not alter my condition. She told me I would be on this medication for life, and if it stopped working or caused me any side effects or caused my liver to eventually shut down (you know, nothing too serious!) my only two choices were to have my thyroid removed or radioactively destroyed. I did not like these options. And I didn't accept them. I cancelled my further appointments with her and I know, that sounds reckless. But I also got on board with a naturalist doctor who had the same condition and had healed without medicine and at that time I just took advantage of all the free information he put out. Dr. Eric Osansky does offer a lot of free and low cost information in case anyone reading wants to check him out. 

I eventually stopped taking my medication, and according to the information I had learned, I stopped eating gluten, dairy, most soy, except organic edamame and tofu, I cut out canola oil, corn, except non-GMO whole corn, eggs, heavy metal fish, and it was recommended not to eat pork but I hadn't consumed that in years anyway. I drank fresh celery juice most mornings, I had lemon and ginger in my water, I upped my veggie intake by a lot and centered most of my meals around plants, I exercised regularly and spent time in prayer and mediation on the Word and positive affirmations every day, and I added a few supplements to my regimen too. And I got better! I stayed better and symptom free for over a year. 

My mistakes added up starting with our Disney World vacation in later 2019. I would have done fine had I only abandoned my healthy ways of eating during the trip. But when we got back, I had a harder time leaving the gluten and other things I had given up alone. And then 2020 happened. While I was generally at peace, not overly worried about the state of things, I was also enforced to stay home with two special needs boys who had their routines ripped away from them, with no understanding as to why they no longer got to do everything as they always had. Stress much? Not to mention, I hadn't fully healed from my original disappointment in my second baby having Fragile X, and the behaviors that emerged and grew during this tumultuous year were hard on me emotionally. I let my thoughts go awfully negative at times. I found myself down because of focusing on the unfairness of things and how hard of a time they were having and when you think that way, the weight will surely crush you. So after several months of that chronic stress and lack of management on my part, along with too much food that wasn't beneficial, early 2021 brought on a relapse of Graves Disease and I found myself back on medication in February to manage my symptoms. 

The new doctor I chose was better than the first, in my opinion, although still very mainstream in her opinion about my options for getting better. This time, I decided I would not bring up the dietary and lifestyle interventions I had learned about, for thinking she would probably have a similar opinion as the first doctor. But one thing I was happy about was that along the way, she indicated that safely going off the meds was a possibility if I could get my antibodies to a normal level along with my thyroid levels. And I would need routine check ups, but it was possible to stay in remission. She still asked me each visit if I wanted to have my thyroid removed and each time I said no, fully believing that while I was on the medicine I would also correct the mistakes I had made and get my body back into self healing mode. I also believed God for healing my body, even if it took a little time. In my prayers and meditations I claimed that healing would be evident. This may sound like a crazy approach for some people, but if you look at scripture, nearly every time Jesus healed a person he said to them, "your faith has made you well." 

Also, Proverbs 23:7 tells us, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." To me, this proves that our thoughts shape who we are, how we feel, and what our outcomes in life will be. I began to apply this also to the way I thought about my children and what tasks were required of me every day for their care too. Have our circumstances gotten a lot easier? Not really. I have two boys who barely speak a word, 11 years apart in age, with different wants and various behaviors I wish they didn't have. But I am doing better in life and actually enjoying them more because I have finally learned that I never operated in my full capacity because I allowed the devil to influence what I thought. Now, I acknowledge that it sometimes IS hard, but also, so what if it is? God enables us to do hard things because life in this world is never all that easy. But He promises to make all things possible through Him, and that He will never leave us to do it alone, and I have learned that I can still enjoy every day of life while things are getting worked out over the course of theirs. 

"Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."

Philippians 4:8

By allowing God to renew my mind daily, I can think about all the things I love about my children....the many, many things that are beautiful and admirable about each of them, and I focus on those, rather than the hard. This makes my stress levels plummet down to so little. I have my moments, and I also know I need to take time out for myself, so I do. But this mindset shift is the main reason I know I will stay well. 

In addition to thinking according to Biblical instruction about all the aspects of my life, I have gone back to the healthier ways of eating for the most part, and recently I did start eating a mostly vegan diet, because those many case studies I hear about the healing properties of plant based eating just keep piling up. I still currently eat chicken once  a week because my dad always prepares some for me and I want to eat with him on Sundays without making him worry about what I will or won't eat. I have had fish a couple of times too, and very occasionally real cheese  but I am leaning towards the belief that I could most likely live happily on a vegan diet. I don't include this to say everyone wanting to eat for healing has to do it, but I do believe from my research and personal experience that eating plants very heavily and sticking with whole foods as much as possible will help heal many conditions. 

Last week, March 2022, my doctor told me I had gone into remission again and said I could taper off my medication. She said we'll lower the dose and check in three weeks, and if everything is still normal, I could stop taking it. I know in the depths of my heart that I have experienced the symptoms of that disease for the last time. What you eat, what you drink and what you think are the top indicators of how healthy you will be. I encourage everyone to check out Dr. Mark Hyman, Dr. Joel Furhman, and Dr. Eric Osansky, because they are the ones who helped me to do what I did. I did pay for a consult with Dr. Osansky and took a course with him this year and I know I got all the tools I needed to never go back. Drink your water, eat your veggies and fruits, move frequently, pray though, breathe deep, and take time outs whenever you can to refresh. These are the things that I know can help us all be the healthiest versions of ourselves. 

What To Do With Disappointment In Myself

I had to cancel my little one's birthday party this past weekend, and I was beyond upset about it. At first I didn't know why I felt such deep sadness about having to do this due to illness, when we could still celebrate his birthday later, but then I figured it out. I went much deeper than this one party. It was because I felt like my youngest son had been shortchanged all of his life so far. 

 Four years ago I gave birth to a dream and had expectations of what the future would look like when my little, healthy looking bundle became a walking and talking miracle that would help his big brother and be his friend. But with Fragile X Syndrome being diagnosed with my oldest, we decided on a cord blood test at birth to rule it out for Liam. That is what I fully expected....a negative test result. Because I had been led by God to have this little baby of my own that I never thought I would have, and prayed that he would be everything we wanted that we never had the blessing to experience in our world yet. When our pediatrician's office called me a few weeks later to say that he had tested positive for a full mutation of Fragile X Syndrome, I felt like my heart had been torn out and thrown on the floor. This wasn't right. This wasn't what I prayed for. I remember the doctor asking if I was okay and responding "mmhmm" before saying thanks and goodbye. But then I sat there, sobbing and choking on my own breath for I don't know how long. 

I have shared before how I texted my closest friend because in these moments I couldn't even move, couldn't breathe, couldn't bring myself to go pick up my crying baby from his bassinet. All I thought of was that I could NOT do everything I had done for the last ten years over again with another child. I needed somebody to pray for me then. She did and I have written before how we decided I didn't need to tell everyone about it, and that all the prayers I had prayed could still come to pass. I felt encouraged, but it still hurt. I ended up seeking counsel from a pastor I had never met before and he helped me get grounded in Jesus again and hope for a better future for Liam. 

Over the first year of his life, Liam stayed on track in his development in every way. I praised God for every milestone, and I took thousands of pictures, but these never got printed out like they always had for his big brother Lucas. I took them and shared some and saved them on my photo websites but few were ever ordered and hung on the wall. That's because now I was trying to balance the needs of a baby, who always wanted to be nursing, and a then 11 year old boy who still had his array of needs. Everything seemed to get on top of me and I couldn't keep everything in order and I experienced post partum depression to a degree, and was under some chronic stress, particularly during the summer months when my husband worked three jobs. Before all that was resolved I had an illness hit and had to go under a battery of tests as I had new symptoms every day. I learned that I had a "thyroid storm" because my thyroid had gone hyperactive and I was diagnosed with Graves Disease. Other than the outside agencies that insurance covered for my older child, I didn't have any help with the kids or the house as I tried to heal and take control of my health and well being as well as succeed in one of those "side hustles"  as home businesses are often called, because then maybe my husband wouldn't have to work so many hours and we could finally have more family time. My mom had passed away before Liam came to be and I realized fully for the first time that she was the only help I ever had. And here was another thing that it seemed so unfair that Liam missed out on. He didn't get to know the amazing, unconditional love of his grandmother. Truth be told, she was the reason we had so many pictures of Lucas around, because she would go straight to her computer and print the ones she loved most. Now here I was, flailing, and not having time for ordering or printing photos, let alone making up  beautiful scrapbooks like the ones I had made for Lucas during his nap times. I made them because I loved doing it. It was a hobby that I had fun with, capturing our memories of his childhood with cute quotes and stickers on the pages, sharing my heart about everything he had done that year in writing. The other night when something woke me up in the early morning hours, I thought about how Liam was turning four and still didn't even have a baby book. If I finally ordered photos and made the the time to make one, would I even remember the details of when those pictures had been taken? With the whirlwind I am going to continue to share about, it's doubtful. That old inner critic that works against us all wants me to think I am doing a bad job at all this. 

When Liam's first birthday came around, we decided to combine that party with Lucas's celebration, since their birth dates are only 6 weeks apart and he was only one. We had a pool party at a local gym I had belonged to at the time, and it was an all right party, but few people came. I remembered and have continued to recall the epic parties Lucas used to have when he was little, because we wanted his days to be extra fun for him, since the kid worked so hard all year. We wanted it to be an event that he could enjoy and get excited about. People used to come celebrate with us back then. Where was everyone who wanted to celebrate Liam? 

The second and third parties we had for Liam alone were rather lackluster too, and didn't rank high on the attendance factor. But it's not just friends to come to his birthdays that feels lacking for Liam in his life, not just missing out on his Grammy that bothers me, and not just the lack of time to document his memories in books since he has been attached to my hip for his entire life. It's the lack that I feel like I have had in me to give him 100 percent in order to help him reach his amazing potential. 

You see, it was around 6 to 8 months AFTER his first birthday that he stopped being right on track developmentally, lost the language he had already, and his sensory seeking behaviors suddenly skyrocketed. As I dealt with these things, I was sometimes back in that emotional black hole, yelling at God about how it wasn't supposed to be this way. We got early intervention services and I thought well, at least I know all the steps to go though here. Then covid came and the response to it changed the world, and I don't know when or if it will ever be like it was before. No more therapists were coming to our home and there was no more school in 2020 and suddenly I was supposed to keep logging in for virtual appointments that my two special needs boys would not attend to at all. I had to keep trying to do it all myself for both of them, and keep my oldest one calm after the complete destruction of his routine that he so thrived on. During this next period of chronic stress, the thyroid disease that I had recovered from came back full force. I couldn't muster the energy to keep fighting with Liam to sit on the potty or be compliant with all the many other things he needed to learn. We did have one therapist who eventually was allowed to be back in the home but that spring, she quit. The preschool Liam had been allowed to attend with an aid decided they didn't want him any longer. But they gave me some other excuse as to why he couldn't return after the quarantine time was over. The special needs facility that would have taken him when he turned 3 told me they were only doing things virtually that year. More virtual visits? No, thank you. 

So it has been that in the area in which we live, everything that could have been great for Liam has been ripped away. He hasn't been able to attend Sunday school, his Mops class disappeared, no preschool setting, because I have not been successful in finding a new one, no TSS therapy, because none exist as just like everyone, they can't find people to work. Everything that Lucas got is gone and not a part of Liam's formidable years. Of course, much of this is beyond my control. It's just me and my two FX boys, and my husband on his days off. Me who plans everything pretty much last minute these days and just tries to make it through one day at a time. Me, who often still feels like I am not getting things right and not giving Liam enough, seeing as how I am all he has. But I can't seem to spread myself evenly over everything that needs my attention and if I stay parked here in my mind, the only conclusion is that I suck as a human and mom. So what can I do, when I feel like a failure...when I am so disappointed in myself? I can choose to embrace my identity in Christ. 

What are some things that Jesus says about me? 

"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now remain in my love." 

John 15:9

"The Father Himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God." 

John 16:7

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." 

Galatians 2:20

"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him, we might become the righteousness of God." 

2 Corinthians 5:21

According to the Word of God, I am dearly loved and favored. Although I am not perfect, God sees me as though I am because I belong to Jesus, and I do not do anything alone or in my own strength. 

I am doing better than I think I am, and I am certain that you, mom who is reading this, are doing better than you think you are too.

Have I done what it took to kick depression's butt every time it came for me so that I could rise up out of the darkness and into His glorious light? Yes, I have.

Have my kids been fed and clean every day no matter what the circumstances were? Yep! 

Have I done my best to give my little shadow my full attention when he wanted it, and stay connected with him, despite the missing things that I may have placed a little too much importance on? You bet. There have been countless snuggles, hugs, kisses and play times over the last 4 years. And while the enemy might want me to think that I am not enough because of the things Liam did not get that Lucas did, I do have those many snapped pictures to show that Liam has had lots of fun in his life so far. 

The thing is, my boys are very happy with simple things, so even if we didn't get to have the beach trips or Disney World, Liam would still be enjoying his life. He's not the way most adults are, quietly comparing what he has done with what anyone else is doing. So even though the irrational thoughts in my head picture him growing up saying "hey, mom, where was my pony party and where are all my photo albums?" The truth is, I have shown up for him every day, even when I didn't think I could. That's Jesus in me. All those times that I did the hard things and I made it, and then made it the next day. I may be human and unable to keep constantly doing with both what I was able to do with only one, but I can feel God getting me ready for a time of restoration, where He shows me more deeply that I have done better than I think, and I will do more than I can imagine for my kids, because He is at work within me and His Word says He is able to do more than I ask or imagine. It will be fun to see what God comes up with that I never could.